iPhone Phone Home
I went back to my blog posts from 2009 and it looks like I never blogged about my iPhone 3GS. How is that possible?
Well in any case, never you mind that I had an iPhone 3GS at all because it's gone. Effing crap dude. This is the first time I've lost a phone and it had to be the iPhone!
Not that I want to remember this low point in my life, but I lost it dancing at the Abbey in West Hollywood. And I got a bruised lip to boot..
I'm using an old phone while I wait for the new iPhone to come out in two months. But seriously, once you go iPhone, you can't go back. This old Samsung Blackjack SUCKS! Winblows Mobile SUCKS!
But I'll deal.
Since I took this little break from my coming out story, I should also say that I've been doing a LOT of planning and decorating for my huge 30th birthday party. It's Harry Potter themed! I'm hoping to have my coming out stuff wrapped up by the 22nd so that I can just look forward to the future!
Yay!
Saturday, August 06, 2011
The U.S. Opening Up
Ellvin and Grace's wedding came quickly. And by this time Eric and Arthur had already taken me to my first gay club (Executive Suite in Long Beach) and my first gay pride (Long Beach Gay Pride). So I'm already getting comfortable in my own skin; no longer having to pretend to be unlike myself.
The wedding was beautiful and I knew I didn't want to steal or possibly put a damper on it, so I decided to wait till after to spill the beans. One night we went out in the city for karaoke and I tried to tell them there, but we had cousins tag along, so I refrained.
But the next day, we went to the U.S. Open to watch some big name tennis matches. We were with both my parents and Grace's parents. So I was looking for an opening where I would have Grace and Ellvin alone. Lunch came around where tables were hard to come by, so it just so happened that the parents and the kids had to sit at separate tables across a huge dining area.
Realizing that this was the best and possibly only time to do it, I tried to spit out the words during lunch. But all I could do was rub my hands together and stare off into space. While we were wrapping up lunch, I stopped Grace and Ellvin from getting up and told them, "I.. need to tell you guys that.. I'm gay. And I hope that's okay..?" My voice was as shaky as ever.
Grace's reaction was this: "Is that all? Of course that's okay!"
And then I started crying.
I started dishing about how hard things have been and the internal struggle and how I came out to Tim. Meanwhile, Ellvin still had not said anything. And I couldn't tell what he was thinking because he was wearing reflective sunglasses.
But after I was done blabbering about the usual gay coming-out stuff and still crying, Ellvin gave me a hug and I could see tears rolling down his face from under his sunglasses.
They told me that they would help support me when I told my folks. I said that I was going to try to tell them soon, but if I can't muster up the courage, then my absolute deadline would be Christmastime when Ellvin and Grace would be back in California at my side.
And even though I wanted to out myself to my parents as soon as possible, knowing that Ellvin and Grace and Tim would be there for me at Christmas was too perfect a scenario to pass up. And so I waited..
Ellvin and Grace's wedding came quickly. And by this time Eric and Arthur had already taken me to my first gay club (Executive Suite in Long Beach) and my first gay pride (Long Beach Gay Pride). So I'm already getting comfortable in my own skin; no longer having to pretend to be unlike myself.
The wedding was beautiful and I knew I didn't want to steal or possibly put a damper on it, so I decided to wait till after to spill the beans. One night we went out in the city for karaoke and I tried to tell them there, but we had cousins tag along, so I refrained.
But the next day, we went to the U.S. Open to watch some big name tennis matches. We were with both my parents and Grace's parents. So I was looking for an opening where I would have Grace and Ellvin alone. Lunch came around where tables were hard to come by, so it just so happened that the parents and the kids had to sit at separate tables across a huge dining area.
Realizing that this was the best and possibly only time to do it, I tried to spit out the words during lunch. But all I could do was rub my hands together and stare off into space. While we were wrapping up lunch, I stopped Grace and Ellvin from getting up and told them, "I.. need to tell you guys that.. I'm gay. And I hope that's okay..?" My voice was as shaky as ever.
Grace's reaction was this: "Is that all? Of course that's okay!"
And then I started crying.
I started dishing about how hard things have been and the internal struggle and how I came out to Tim. Meanwhile, Ellvin still had not said anything. And I couldn't tell what he was thinking because he was wearing reflective sunglasses.
But after I was done blabbering about the usual gay coming-out stuff and still crying, Ellvin gave me a hug and I could see tears rolling down his face from under his sunglasses.
They told me that they would help support me when I told my folks. I said that I was going to try to tell them soon, but if I can't muster up the courage, then my absolute deadline would be Christmastime when Ellvin and Grace would be back in California at my side.
And even though I wanted to out myself to my parents as soon as possible, knowing that Ellvin and Grace and Tim would be there for me at Christmas was too perfect a scenario to pass up. And so I waited..
Saturday, July 16, 2011
The Weight of the World
So seven more years would pass carrying this massive burden. Thoughts of what to do about myself and constant internal conflict sat square on my shoulders.
Your twenties are supposed to be an amazing time in your life. You're at your sexual peak; supposed to be out dating, having fun, trying new things. I shied away from all of that and locked myself away. I was comfortable around my close friends because they never brought up the subject of love and dating (probably because they knew I was gay and didn't want to make me feel uncomfortable). But when it came to meeting new people, I tried to be unsociable. I remember making up excuses not to hang out with my coworkers because I felt we were getting too close and personal.
The entire thing was just humiliating as well. Here I was as celibate as a rock, not dating, never been kissed; and here came my cousins (some of which I changed their diapers growing up) having relationships and whatnot. I felt like a complete loser.
And it also caused me to look down at organized religion extremely negatively. How could I believe that any God existed that would tell his followers to hate me even though he created me this way? Of course it was bad enough hearing people insist that being gay is a "lifestyle choice" when they have absolutely no fucking clue. For these people, if they're so sure it is a choice, then that means they chose somewhere in their lives to be straight, which means they are in actuality bisexual and choose to ignore their feelings for the same sex.
Okay, I'm rambling. But I'm just trying to convey all the shit I had to put up with (and still do today). So something happened when I joined Twitter. I developed a huge crush on a guy who I presumed to be straight.
And in talking to the guy, my crush grew out of control to the point where I constantly had him on my mind. And then riding on the train into work one morning, everything that had been sitting atop my shoulders suddenly crept into my head and seized my brain. I don't know if you've ever had that feeling like you need to jump out of a moving vehicle, but that's what this episode felt like. My body would not let me relax. I felt like I was at the end of my rope and I just felt like I desperately needed to tell somebody about me or I would end up hurting myself. I needed to diffuse because the pressure inside my head was reaching critical mass.
And so on that morning, April 14, 2009, I texted the one person I knew would be okay with me; the person I had been trying to tell for months: Erico Suave.
One side note: I think I'm done with these cutesy names for people on my blog. From this point on I will be using real names. It's just a little thing called growth.
So I told Eric. And even though he didn't get the text until later in the morning, right after I sent that text, immediately and literally the weight of the world lifted off my shoulders. And I felt RELIEF!
I then started letting my friends know and found that either they pretty much knew or it wasn't a big deal. All my friends were incredibly supportive.
Now, back to this crush on Twitter. I had it hard for this guy and it drove me crazy that I had these uncontrollably strong feelings and had nowhere to hang them on. Because he was straight, it was a dead end and I knew it. But he was so nice and gave me so much attention. One night after work, all these emotions hit a wall and I collapsed into a ball on the floor of my room and could not stop crying. I really had no idea why. Texting with Eric, I surmised that I needed to tell someone in my family my secret; that my body was forcing me to get it over with.
I thought this was a good plan, so I tried to muster up the courage to tell Tim who was in the other room watching "Shaq Vs." After several attempts, I could not do it. I just could not spit out the words. Or to even bring it up is incredibly awkward. There's just no easy transition into coming out. My crush then texted me to ask what was going on. I told him that I was trying to tell my brother my secret and then my crush texted this:
That sounds good. I haven't told many in my family yet.
Wide eyed, I couldn't believe what I was reading. He's gay! It felt like fate or some shit. And so I thought that if I had any chance of getting with this man, I must tell Tim now. And so I finally mustered up the courage and.. with my head buried in my hands.. I blurted out "Tim, I need to tell you that.. I'm gay. And I hope that's okay."
He paused. And then he asked, "Are you serious?"
Head still in hands, I nodded.
And then he said he was cool with it. We talked a bit about if he had any clue and stuff. The next morning he held up a Macy's catalogue opened to the women's lingerie page and asked "So this does nothing to you??" I confirmed earnestly. And then he flipped the magazine over to an old unattractive male model and said "So you like this?"
He was on the right track, but I had to give him a blehhh look.
Telling Tim was incredibly liberating. It allowed me to be myself in my own home. But there was something that surprised me about Tim. He said to me that he would stand by my side when the time came to tell my mom and dad. Amazingly, this thought had never occurred to me before. Growing up with this secret, I always pictured myself dealing with it all alone. I never thought about how when I tell others, they would become my support and help me get through this difficult time.
Then naturally I had to tell Ellvin and Grace. But would I do it before their wedding.. or on the day of..?
So seven more years would pass carrying this massive burden. Thoughts of what to do about myself and constant internal conflict sat square on my shoulders.
Your twenties are supposed to be an amazing time in your life. You're at your sexual peak; supposed to be out dating, having fun, trying new things. I shied away from all of that and locked myself away. I was comfortable around my close friends because they never brought up the subject of love and dating (probably because they knew I was gay and didn't want to make me feel uncomfortable). But when it came to meeting new people, I tried to be unsociable. I remember making up excuses not to hang out with my coworkers because I felt we were getting too close and personal.
The entire thing was just humiliating as well. Here I was as celibate as a rock, not dating, never been kissed; and here came my cousins (some of which I changed their diapers growing up) having relationships and whatnot. I felt like a complete loser.
And it also caused me to look down at organized religion extremely negatively. How could I believe that any God existed that would tell his followers to hate me even though he created me this way? Of course it was bad enough hearing people insist that being gay is a "lifestyle choice" when they have absolutely no fucking clue. For these people, if they're so sure it is a choice, then that means they chose somewhere in their lives to be straight, which means they are in actuality bisexual and choose to ignore their feelings for the same sex.
Okay, I'm rambling. But I'm just trying to convey all the shit I had to put up with (and still do today). So something happened when I joined Twitter. I developed a huge crush on a guy who I presumed to be straight.
And in talking to the guy, my crush grew out of control to the point where I constantly had him on my mind. And then riding on the train into work one morning, everything that had been sitting atop my shoulders suddenly crept into my head and seized my brain. I don't know if you've ever had that feeling like you need to jump out of a moving vehicle, but that's what this episode felt like. My body would not let me relax. I felt like I was at the end of my rope and I just felt like I desperately needed to tell somebody about me or I would end up hurting myself. I needed to diffuse because the pressure inside my head was reaching critical mass.
And so on that morning, April 14, 2009, I texted the one person I knew would be okay with me; the person I had been trying to tell for months: Erico Suave.
One side note: I think I'm done with these cutesy names for people on my blog. From this point on I will be using real names. It's just a little thing called growth.
So I told Eric. And even though he didn't get the text until later in the morning, right after I sent that text, immediately and literally the weight of the world lifted off my shoulders. And I felt RELIEF!
I then started letting my friends know and found that either they pretty much knew or it wasn't a big deal. All my friends were incredibly supportive.
Now, back to this crush on Twitter. I had it hard for this guy and it drove me crazy that I had these uncontrollably strong feelings and had nowhere to hang them on. Because he was straight, it was a dead end and I knew it. But he was so nice and gave me so much attention. One night after work, all these emotions hit a wall and I collapsed into a ball on the floor of my room and could not stop crying. I really had no idea why. Texting with Eric, I surmised that I needed to tell someone in my family my secret; that my body was forcing me to get it over with.
I thought this was a good plan, so I tried to muster up the courage to tell Tim who was in the other room watching "Shaq Vs." After several attempts, I could not do it. I just could not spit out the words. Or to even bring it up is incredibly awkward. There's just no easy transition into coming out. My crush then texted me to ask what was going on. I told him that I was trying to tell my brother my secret and then my crush texted this:
That sounds good. I haven't told many in my family yet.
Wide eyed, I couldn't believe what I was reading. He's gay! It felt like fate or some shit. And so I thought that if I had any chance of getting with this man, I must tell Tim now. And so I finally mustered up the courage and.. with my head buried in my hands.. I blurted out "Tim, I need to tell you that.. I'm gay. And I hope that's okay."
He paused. And then he asked, "Are you serious?"
Head still in hands, I nodded.
And then he said he was cool with it. We talked a bit about if he had any clue and stuff. The next morning he held up a Macy's catalogue opened to the women's lingerie page and asked "So this does nothing to you??" I confirmed earnestly. And then he flipped the magazine over to an old unattractive male model and said "So you like this?"
He was on the right track, but I had to give him a blehhh look.
Telling Tim was incredibly liberating. It allowed me to be myself in my own home. But there was something that surprised me about Tim. He said to me that he would stand by my side when the time came to tell my mom and dad. Amazingly, this thought had never occurred to me before. Growing up with this secret, I always pictured myself dealing with it all alone. I never thought about how when I tell others, they would become my support and help me get through this difficult time.
Then naturally I had to tell Ellvin and Grace. But would I do it before their wedding.. or on the day of..?
Sunday, May 29, 2011
My New Role
Taking a break from baring my soul for something much cuter...
Introducing Peytan Ellie Mar! My new niece! First niece! Born May 23! 7 lbs, 12 oz.
I never knew you could love someone so much without having met them yet! Tim and I fly out to New York on Wednesday to join the rest of the family. And as the new uncle, of course I come bearing gifts!
So happy,
Ricky
Taking a break from baring my soul for something much cuter...
Introducing Peytan Ellie Mar! My new niece! First niece! Born May 23! 7 lbs, 12 oz.
I never knew you could love someone so much without having met them yet! Tim and I fly out to New York on Wednesday to join the rest of the family. And as the new uncle, of course I come bearing gifts!
So happy,
Ricky
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Some 'splaining To Do
So the first question really is why I stopped blogging in the first place. A reread of my previous posts leading up to my hiatus could point to apathy, disinterest in the blog format, Facebook/Twitter domination; any number of things.
But the truth? The real reason is because I suddenly had to keep a number of events in my life off the blog. Why? Because I came out of the closet.
Yes, I'm gay. A shock to many perhaps; "duh" moment for others. I wasn't exactly the butchiest kid on the block growing up. Watch any of my recorded soccer games and you'll see a little Asian boy dancing and twirling on the field. While my two older brothers played Peewee football, I was learning all the cheers from the cheerleaders. (I didn't even know what "first and ten" meant at the time, but I wanted whoever to "do it again" because "we liiiike it. we liiiike it.") Replay a video from a birthday party and you wouldn't see me tossing around a baseball; I was on the Chinese Jump Rope with my girl cousins. Middle school, drama kid. High school, all girl friends (save for one who would come out to me two years after graduation). The signs were all there.
I tell everybody that I realized I was gay back in the sixth grade. Probably the same year I had access to Men's Health magazines and quiet mornings on the Internet. But thinking back, I had very strong infatuations with guys when I was even younger; Ellvin Kelvin's friend who gave me a quarter and was so nice to me (and cute) and this lion trainer at the circus that I wanted to be like.
But growing up with this ate me up inside. Initially I had no idea of what it was to be gay. As I dug through different muscle magazines, I just knew that that's what got me excited. It wasn't until I started hearing about gay this and gay that that I finally started putting things together. It wasn't until I started hearing about the teasing and "the sin" crap that I started to wonder if what I was feeling was wrong. And this is a very confusing thing to have to deal with as a kid. Here I was just being who I naturally was and I was being told by society that I was not right. I would lay in bed at night, tossing and turning, losing sleep, saying to myself "I can't be gay. Out of all the people in this world, why me??" There were times when I'd see a shooting star or just before blowing out my birthday candles, I would wish to be straight, just so I could fit into society. No more pressure or secrets. Just a normal life. I wasted so many wishes..
So I tried to fix it. I collected some Victoria Secret catalogues and really tried my hardest to make myself like women. I had read that men who thought about baseball during sex eventually became aroused by baseball. So I tried to apply this theory to women (which sounds incredibly weird to say). I really tried. But it just wouldn't work.
So I bottled it up. I closed myself off from my family and friends. They would never know of this eternal internal struggle that I was facing. I put on my best smile and carried on with this cursed life. But it wouldn't be easy. With living a secret, I had a huge guard in place. During a time when raging hormones dominate a teen boy's mind, I had to keep quiet. I stole glances at guys I was interested in; just a quick fleeting look, and then shut my eyes so I could really check out what I saw. I had to study how straight guys behaved when talking about "hot chicks" so that I could mimic that behavior. I constantly polled my brothers about women who they thought were hot so that I could in turn "think" they were hot.
And I became a master of deflection. Any discussion of girls or girlfriends or dating or kissing, etcetera; I could change the subject in 2.6 seconds flat. I'm sure I was not so subtle when doing so, but it's what I had to do in order to get by.
Meanwhile I was trying to figure out what I was going to do with all this. The most logical thing to do was come out. But then I was risking breaking my parents' hearts or possible being disowned. No, the easiest thing to do would be to try to live a straight life with a woman; just keeping all my feelings to myself. But FUCK, I knew I couldn't put myself through that, let alone drag a poor innocent girl into the mess that was my life.
Then things went dark. I could always just end it all. Days of struggle, sleepless nights, every conflict, all the hating myself; just take the coward's way out.. I don't know for sure if I truly contemplated pulling the trigger (so to speak). I think it always remained an option in my eyes if things became too unbearable. But what I will say is that a couple years out of high school, an ex-boyfriend of my friend had killed himself. While he had been dating my friend, we all suspected him of being gay. And although I never confirmed for sure, I believed that he ended his life because he could not come to terms with his sexuality. And after attending his funeral, after seeing his parents broken, I decided once and for all that I would never kill myself. I said to myself that my parents would probably rather I be gay (and alive) than putting me six feet under. And, financially, it made more sense this way for them too. *wink*
So the only option was to come out, but how would I go about doing it? In my heart, I knew that my parents and family had to be the first to know. And I felt that I could not do anything (dating wise) until I told them (obviously with the risk of word coming back to them).
Back around 2002, I had a breakdown in front of my mom. I ended up crying on her shoulder for an unrelated reason, but suddenly the reason became about my sexuality. And in this fit of sobs, I told her that I was not happy with my life. And she, as comforting as ever, asked me why. And maybe I had seen too many episodes of Dawson's Creek and the moment felt just perfect for the optimal emotional impact, but I blurted out, "..because I'm gay. Sob. Sob."
I could not see her reaction. I dared not look at her face. But I'll never forget the words she uttered next: "You mean, you like boys??" The way she phrased it, made it sound so wrong and abnormal. I nodded. And she said no more, so all I could do was replay her incredulous sounding statement. All the while, Third Eye Blind's "Slow Motion" played in the background. A song about teen angst and violence and the shitty world we live in; specifically the lyric "..because he hates his life!" repeated in the silent sobbing room.
She suggested I get some rest; that we could talk later. I begged her not to tell my dad. I had felt like my soul was bared too much and I was afraid of my dad's reaction. She promised not to tell (and I would later find out she kept that promise for years).
At the time, I didn't know how I felt. I felt some relief that it was out there. A little chip of the boulder off my shoulders. But the future was still uncertain. I didn't know what would happen next. Essentially I sent that boulder chip down a hill and it was about to snowball into who knows how big.
In the later days, I felt uncomfortable around my mom and would try to avoid her by going to school early and coming home late. I didn't feel like I wanted to talk about it with her. One morning, she finally cornered me and she told me this:
"I've been reading about this thing and it looks like there are treatments that can help you."
Okay! She's not ready for all this, I thought. As much as I wanted to live a straight life, I knew that she was talking about some electroshock therapy or some Jesus camp where kids go to lock themselves permanently in a closet. I knew that this wasn't something that could be changed. It was instilled in me. I was looking for acceptance, not this. And that's the moment I realized maybe this isn't the right time. I needed a way to backpedal out of this.
One morning, after hearing that another one of my high school friends came out as "a gay," she told me that maybe I just thought I was gay because a lot of my friends are. Here was my out and I took it. I told her she was probably right and she never spoke about homosexuality again.
Thinking back, I really should have just allowed that snowball to keep rolling. Because it meant lying to myself for another SEVEN years.
I think this is a good point to take a short intermission. But I wanted to emphasize that being gay is not something I chose. I cannot choose what sex I am attracted to. The only choice there was was whether or not to accept who I am or hide it like a cowardly Republican politician.
If any of this strikes a cord with you, or if it feels at all familiar with what you yourself are dealing with, my advice would be to understand that you are doing nothing wrong. Be yourself. Be who you naturally are. And don't let life pass you by dealing with questions of "who you are." It's a waste to deal with such conflict. You already know who you are.
It gets better, and juicier, in part two,
Ricky
So the first question really is why I stopped blogging in the first place. A reread of my previous posts leading up to my hiatus could point to apathy, disinterest in the blog format, Facebook/Twitter domination; any number of things.
But the truth? The real reason is because I suddenly had to keep a number of events in my life off the blog. Why? Because I came out of the closet.
Yes, I'm gay. A shock to many perhaps; "duh" moment for others. I wasn't exactly the butchiest kid on the block growing up. Watch any of my recorded soccer games and you'll see a little Asian boy dancing and twirling on the field. While my two older brothers played Peewee football, I was learning all the cheers from the cheerleaders. (I didn't even know what "first and ten" meant at the time, but I wanted whoever to "do it again" because "we liiiike it. we liiiike it.") Replay a video from a birthday party and you wouldn't see me tossing around a baseball; I was on the Chinese Jump Rope with my girl cousins. Middle school, drama kid. High school, all girl friends (save for one who would come out to me two years after graduation). The signs were all there.
I tell everybody that I realized I was gay back in the sixth grade. Probably the same year I had access to Men's Health magazines and quiet mornings on the Internet. But thinking back, I had very strong infatuations with guys when I was even younger; Ellvin Kelvin's friend who gave me a quarter and was so nice to me (and cute) and this lion trainer at the circus that I wanted to be like.
But growing up with this ate me up inside. Initially I had no idea of what it was to be gay. As I dug through different muscle magazines, I just knew that that's what got me excited. It wasn't until I started hearing about gay this and gay that that I finally started putting things together. It wasn't until I started hearing about the teasing and "the sin" crap that I started to wonder if what I was feeling was wrong. And this is a very confusing thing to have to deal with as a kid. Here I was just being who I naturally was and I was being told by society that I was not right. I would lay in bed at night, tossing and turning, losing sleep, saying to myself "I can't be gay. Out of all the people in this world, why me??" There were times when I'd see a shooting star or just before blowing out my birthday candles, I would wish to be straight, just so I could fit into society. No more pressure or secrets. Just a normal life. I wasted so many wishes..
So I tried to fix it. I collected some Victoria Secret catalogues and really tried my hardest to make myself like women. I had read that men who thought about baseball during sex eventually became aroused by baseball. So I tried to apply this theory to women (which sounds incredibly weird to say). I really tried. But it just wouldn't work.
So I bottled it up. I closed myself off from my family and friends. They would never know of this eternal internal struggle that I was facing. I put on my best smile and carried on with this cursed life. But it wouldn't be easy. With living a secret, I had a huge guard in place. During a time when raging hormones dominate a teen boy's mind, I had to keep quiet. I stole glances at guys I was interested in; just a quick fleeting look, and then shut my eyes so I could really check out what I saw. I had to study how straight guys behaved when talking about "hot chicks" so that I could mimic that behavior. I constantly polled my brothers about women who they thought were hot so that I could in turn "think" they were hot.
And I became a master of deflection. Any discussion of girls or girlfriends or dating or kissing, etcetera; I could change the subject in 2.6 seconds flat. I'm sure I was not so subtle when doing so, but it's what I had to do in order to get by.
Meanwhile I was trying to figure out what I was going to do with all this. The most logical thing to do was come out. But then I was risking breaking my parents' hearts or possible being disowned. No, the easiest thing to do would be to try to live a straight life with a woman; just keeping all my feelings to myself. But FUCK, I knew I couldn't put myself through that, let alone drag a poor innocent girl into the mess that was my life.
Then things went dark. I could always just end it all. Days of struggle, sleepless nights, every conflict, all the hating myself; just take the coward's way out.. I don't know for sure if I truly contemplated pulling the trigger (so to speak). I think it always remained an option in my eyes if things became too unbearable. But what I will say is that a couple years out of high school, an ex-boyfriend of my friend had killed himself. While he had been dating my friend, we all suspected him of being gay. And although I never confirmed for sure, I believed that he ended his life because he could not come to terms with his sexuality. And after attending his funeral, after seeing his parents broken, I decided once and for all that I would never kill myself. I said to myself that my parents would probably rather I be gay (and alive) than putting me six feet under. And, financially, it made more sense this way for them too. *wink*
So the only option was to come out, but how would I go about doing it? In my heart, I knew that my parents and family had to be the first to know. And I felt that I could not do anything (dating wise) until I told them (obviously with the risk of word coming back to them).
Back around 2002, I had a breakdown in front of my mom. I ended up crying on her shoulder for an unrelated reason, but suddenly the reason became about my sexuality. And in this fit of sobs, I told her that I was not happy with my life. And she, as comforting as ever, asked me why. And maybe I had seen too many episodes of Dawson's Creek and the moment felt just perfect for the optimal emotional impact, but I blurted out, "..because I'm gay. Sob. Sob."
I could not see her reaction. I dared not look at her face. But I'll never forget the words she uttered next: "You mean, you like boys??" The way she phrased it, made it sound so wrong and abnormal. I nodded. And she said no more, so all I could do was replay her incredulous sounding statement. All the while, Third Eye Blind's "Slow Motion" played in the background. A song about teen angst and violence and the shitty world we live in; specifically the lyric "..because he hates his life!" repeated in the silent sobbing room.
She suggested I get some rest; that we could talk later. I begged her not to tell my dad. I had felt like my soul was bared too much and I was afraid of my dad's reaction. She promised not to tell (and I would later find out she kept that promise for years).
At the time, I didn't know how I felt. I felt some relief that it was out there. A little chip of the boulder off my shoulders. But the future was still uncertain. I didn't know what would happen next. Essentially I sent that boulder chip down a hill and it was about to snowball into who knows how big.
In the later days, I felt uncomfortable around my mom and would try to avoid her by going to school early and coming home late. I didn't feel like I wanted to talk about it with her. One morning, she finally cornered me and she told me this:
"I've been reading about this thing and it looks like there are treatments that can help you."
Okay! She's not ready for all this, I thought. As much as I wanted to live a straight life, I knew that she was talking about some electroshock therapy or some Jesus camp where kids go to lock themselves permanently in a closet. I knew that this wasn't something that could be changed. It was instilled in me. I was looking for acceptance, not this. And that's the moment I realized maybe this isn't the right time. I needed a way to backpedal out of this.
One morning, after hearing that another one of my high school friends came out as "a gay," she told me that maybe I just thought I was gay because a lot of my friends are. Here was my out and I took it. I told her she was probably right and she never spoke about homosexuality again.
Thinking back, I really should have just allowed that snowball to keep rolling. Because it meant lying to myself for another SEVEN years.
I think this is a good point to take a short intermission. But I wanted to emphasize that being gay is not something I chose. I cannot choose what sex I am attracted to. The only choice there was was whether or not to accept who I am or hide it like a cowardly Republican politician.
If any of this strikes a cord with you, or if it feels at all familiar with what you yourself are dealing with, my advice would be to understand that you are doing nothing wrong. Be yourself. Be who you naturally are. And don't let life pass you by dealing with questions of "who you are." It's a waste to deal with such conflict. You already know who you are.
It gets better, and juicier, in part two,
Ricky
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Return to Blogger
Is this thing on..?
Hiya! As I sit here in my new condo in Hollywood; living alone with a full belly from an expensive and delicious dinner from The Gorbals; listening to Fall Out Boy sing "What's This?" from The Nightmare Before Christmas; knowing that I should be folding the shirts and pants that are scattered across my bed; I realized something..
I want to be that guy who BLOGS about his life again!!
That's right. I miss this. But more importantly, I miss having periodic documentation of my life. You see, time passes much too fast. Years tend to blur and before you know it, you can't remember when things took place (let alone if they took place at all). I was just reading a blog post from 2003 and it brought back so many memories. After rereading that entry, I remembered that day like it was yesterday. And I want that back!
Yes, I will have all of last year missing; and I'm sure there are a bunch of great stories I will forget 10 years from now (that is to say if this blog still exists), but I must move forward. I think I will try to pull a LOST and flashback to the past year while simultaneously commentating on the present/future. So in the coming weeks, get ready for a 2010/2011 dump.
And it smells like drama! You'll see..
Blogging,
Ricky
Is this thing on..?
Hiya! As I sit here in my new condo in Hollywood; living alone with a full belly from an expensive and delicious dinner from The Gorbals; listening to Fall Out Boy sing "What's This?" from The Nightmare Before Christmas; knowing that I should be folding the shirts and pants that are scattered across my bed; I realized something..
I want to be that guy who BLOGS about his life again!!
That's right. I miss this. But more importantly, I miss having periodic documentation of my life. You see, time passes much too fast. Years tend to blur and before you know it, you can't remember when things took place (let alone if they took place at all). I was just reading a blog post from 2003 and it brought back so many memories. After rereading that entry, I remembered that day like it was yesterday. And I want that back!
Yes, I will have all of last year missing; and I'm sure there are a bunch of great stories I will forget 10 years from now (that is to say if this blog still exists), but I must move forward. I think I will try to pull a LOST and flashback to the past year while simultaneously commentating on the present/future. So in the coming weeks, get ready for a 2010/2011 dump.
And it smells like drama! You'll see..
Blogging,
Ricky
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Cover Up Utah-tahs!
Deep into February and I'm back from what is becoming an annual snowboarding trip with Ellvin Kelvin and Amazing Grace. Last year we went to Mammoth, which is where we usually go given that we bunk for free with the Oblong family. Given that the Oblong's place was being renovated, we had to pick a different destination this season.
Boom. Destination: Park City, Utah.
When Ellvin Kelvin suggested it, all I thought was that Bryce Canyon in Utah looks gorgeous covered in snow. So I was excited. I had totally forgotten that the Winter Olympics had taken place in Salt Lake City in 2002.
We went for two whole days on the slopes at Park City Mountain Resort. I hadn't snowboarded in over a year, so I was insistent on taking it easy. Amazing Grace and I kept things casual on the green dot runs. Took me a couple of runs to get comfortable. But by day two, I was carving like the real snowboarders. I still have some anxiety attacks when the paths narrow or when I'm going too fast.
The thing I noticed in Utah is that most everyone skis, which is a change from Mammoth where most snowboard. But the perception seems to remain that only punk kids snowboard and thus you have a mass of dickwad skiers who ride on their high horses.
But other than those shitclogs, the trip was wonderful. Our last two hours were pretty epic. We went pretty high up the mountain and did a marathon of boarding. So great. We were already talking about where we would be going next year. Plan might be to follow the Winter Olympics around, so Vancouver might be it!
In any case, I can't wait to do it again.
Looking like Shaun White hit with a pretty stick,
Ricky
Deep into February and I'm back from what is becoming an annual snowboarding trip with Ellvin Kelvin and Amazing Grace. Last year we went to Mammoth, which is where we usually go given that we bunk for free with the Oblong family. Given that the Oblong's place was being renovated, we had to pick a different destination this season.
Boom. Destination: Park City, Utah.
When Ellvin Kelvin suggested it, all I thought was that Bryce Canyon in Utah looks gorgeous covered in snow. So I was excited. I had totally forgotten that the Winter Olympics had taken place in Salt Lake City in 2002.We went for two whole days on the slopes at Park City Mountain Resort. I hadn't snowboarded in over a year, so I was insistent on taking it easy. Amazing Grace and I kept things casual on the green dot runs. Took me a couple of runs to get comfortable. But by day two, I was carving like the real snowboarders. I still have some anxiety attacks when the paths narrow or when I'm going too fast.
The thing I noticed in Utah is that most everyone skis, which is a change from Mammoth where most snowboard. But the perception seems to remain that only punk kids snowboard and thus you have a mass of dickwad skiers who ride on their high horses.
But other than those shitclogs, the trip was wonderful. Our last two hours were pretty epic. We went pretty high up the mountain and did a marathon of boarding. So great. We were already talking about where we would be going next year. Plan might be to follow the Winter Olympics around, so Vancouver might be it!
In any case, I can't wait to do it again.
Looking like Shaun White hit with a pretty stick,
Ricky
Sunday, January 31, 2010
One for One Slash Ten
Where does a whole month go?
Thirty-one days pass and this is my first blog post of two-thousand and ten.
I thought I'd talk about my new year's resolution as I watch Roger Federer dominate this Australian Open Men's Final at two AM.
Since going back and rejoining a gym (Twenty-four Hour Fitness) last November, I've been very good in going just about everyday. With the gym on the way home from the train station after work, I really have no excuse not to go. And I'm in a groove where I'm excited to go and lift weights everyday.
The results have been pretty good in two months time. Weight hasn't been affected much, but only because I'm burning fat and gaining muscle. My shoulders have been responding very well and are becoming broader and thicker. My chest and back have gotten more defined. There's finally some definition in my legs. But my best results have been my arms where I've broken the fifteen inch line and going strong. I've actually gotten the most compliments from friends and coworkers about my arms.
This all relates back to my new year's resolution. I resolve to be more open about my body. Now that may sound vain, but I've always had insecurity issues with being seen without a shirt. Back when I was a kid in gymnastics, even though I had a great six-pack, I didn't want people gawking and staring. But since then, I've lost the six-pack and I had felt that people still expected me to have it, which made the spare tire around my waist even more shameful. It shut me in and made me always shy to go shirtless.
And even though I've been working out and am in good shape at the moment, I still have this spare tire that's hard to shed. But one of my friends helped me out of my shell by telling me that I didn't have to be perfect and that I looked very good just the way I was.
So yeah, this is a big deal for me. Come this summer, I'll probably never put on a shirt if I stick to my resolution.
Part of this played into today where I agreed to model some shots for my good friend Kookie Tee. She needed subjects to further her interest in becoming a professional photographer and so Erico Suave, Smiles McGeeyama, and I were there for her. And it was a lot of fun! Though I have to admit to it being a lot tougher than I thought. In trying to make a sexy looking face, I ended up just frowning. I gotta loosen up, breathe, and be more natural. But I think I did okay for my first time. Can't wait to see the results because I think we did some really cool stuff.
Sans shirt,
Ricky
Where does a whole month go?
Thirty-one days pass and this is my first blog post of two-thousand and ten.
I thought I'd talk about my new year's resolution as I watch Roger Federer dominate this Australian Open Men's Final at two AM.
Since going back and rejoining a gym (Twenty-four Hour Fitness) last November, I've been very good in going just about everyday. With the gym on the way home from the train station after work, I really have no excuse not to go. And I'm in a groove where I'm excited to go and lift weights everyday.
The results have been pretty good in two months time. Weight hasn't been affected much, but only because I'm burning fat and gaining muscle. My shoulders have been responding very well and are becoming broader and thicker. My chest and back have gotten more defined. There's finally some definition in my legs. But my best results have been my arms where I've broken the fifteen inch line and going strong. I've actually gotten the most compliments from friends and coworkers about my arms.
This all relates back to my new year's resolution. I resolve to be more open about my body. Now that may sound vain, but I've always had insecurity issues with being seen without a shirt. Back when I was a kid in gymnastics, even though I had a great six-pack, I didn't want people gawking and staring. But since then, I've lost the six-pack and I had felt that people still expected me to have it, which made the spare tire around my waist even more shameful. It shut me in and made me always shy to go shirtless.
And even though I've been working out and am in good shape at the moment, I still have this spare tire that's hard to shed. But one of my friends helped me out of my shell by telling me that I didn't have to be perfect and that I looked very good just the way I was.
So yeah, this is a big deal for me. Come this summer, I'll probably never put on a shirt if I stick to my resolution.
Part of this played into today where I agreed to model some shots for my good friend Kookie Tee. She needed subjects to further her interest in becoming a professional photographer and so Erico Suave, Smiles McGeeyama, and I were there for her. And it was a lot of fun! Though I have to admit to it being a lot tougher than I thought. In trying to make a sexy looking face, I ended up just frowning. I gotta loosen up, breathe, and be more natural. But I think I did okay for my first time. Can't wait to see the results because I think we did some really cool stuff.
Sans shirt,
Ricky
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