Sleep Well Grandma Kwan

I've been pondering this entry for three weeks now; my heartfelt "goodbye" to my amazing grandmother. But I hate that word: goodbye. It seems so finite. And especially in the context of losing someone, I have this sense that saying goodbye implies never finding one another again.

My grandmother's health had been declining in the last year and a half or so. If you saw pictures from two years ago, you would have seen a healthy lady, happy and endearing as always. But things can turn so fast.

And that's the thing that makes cancer such a fucking bitch.

Soon she had lost the ability to produce saliva and speak clearly. It was incredibly hard to watch her eat and to see my parents' frustration and grandma's frustration when she tried to tell them something. It was hard to understand. And we would have never known that later on, what we would give to hear that voice at that moment just once more.

She resisted for a long time, but finally the eating situation was so bad that she really needed a feeding tube. And with the feeding tube required 24 hour monitoring that was hard on her children. I know mom had to work hard days at work and then her weekends were spent caring for grandma. But that's what you do for someone you love so much.

They did this for almost a year or maybe longer. I'm not entirely sure of the timeframe. And my grandma was so strong. She was a fighter. She shocked doctors who didn't think she had much time left. But that kind of living only lasts for so long.

Soon she lost the ability to speak at all. She had a bike horn that she would honka-honka whenever she needed something. And she could only communicate by writing things out. But how wonderful to have documentation that we can keep and cherish of her thoughts. On several pads of paper.

In her last few months the only thing that she really enjoyed doing was play mahjong. I wish I could have played with her more, but we got in two last game sessions. And I'm happy to say that as weak as they say she was, she kicked our asses in those last two games. Her brain was still so sharp. It's just that her body wasn't up for the task.

During her last week she eventually lost all hearing and could only see, albeit not 100%. But the last time I saw her alert and awake, I skipped work to see her at the hospital. They had stabilized her after a scare. I went in there and she was awake, but her eyes were sort of glazed over. And she was looking directly above her. I could almost see the reflection of whatever heavenly matter that manifested above her in her retinas. And then she turned her head slowly and saw me. And even though only one side of her cheek was functional, she still gave me a smile and a nod. And I knew she would be all right. She then turned back to look above her and I can only imagine what amazing mystical entity had her in awe. But I guess I'll let you know in my final blog entry when I get there.

A week later, on January 17, 2012, kidney dialysis wasn't an option, so the entire family rallied by her side. We even video chatted via iPad to Ellvin and Grace in New York. With her children around her bed and her grandchildren watching a live FaceTime stream in the waiting room, we let her go. Probably one of the hardest things to ever watch. Ever.

I was told that her big fear was that no one would be around her when she passed away. And the entire day of the 17th she had been in a coma. But within her final 37 seconds of life, for a brief second, she opened her eyes to find herself surrounded by all she loved and so much love.

I have to recognize this amazing family that I am a part of. How they took care of her in this final year; learning how to use these heavy duty medical contraptions. Despite all the hardships, they made it work. They banded together, closer than ever, and gave her one more year. So to hear my Auntie Debbie crying on a shoulder and wishing there was more she could have done for her.. broke my heart. You guys did so much. Know that. You did everything. And it would never feel like enough. I only hope and promise to do as much as you did for grandma for my parents and my family and my future husband.

I've written a lot about her final moments. I wanted to have this documented if only because I feel that my mind will want to let go of this heartache and block this painful time from my memory. But it's important to remember it; to remind myself of the strength this family has gained through all this. And maybe I should have written more loving memories I had with grandma on this tribute. But the thing is I'll always have and cherish those times.

Like the joy of seeing her complete English word searches and learn some English along the way! And how cute she was when she smiled at me in Yellowstone and she forgot she didn't have her dentures in but then smiled even more because she couldn't help it. And her calls to us to drive down to her house to walk over to the park and get free lunchy.

And so I won't say goodbye. Not here. I will simply say sleep well Po Po. Sleep with no pain. Sleep with your most wonderful dreams and memories. Sleep until we all wake again reunited, in the big KFC in the sky, and move beyond that mystical entity above together.

Bookend

Tonight we say goodbye to 2011. A year that flew by entirely too fast. Or maybe I just don't remember most of it because of all the drinking that had happened.

I wanted to say on here as a reminder to myself what a life changing year this has been. Or at least the very start of my life change or my life in general.

This year I fully moved out to Hollywood, CA. With tremendous help from my parents who just want me to be as happy as I can be, I bought a place that overlooks the freakin' Hollywood sign. It's there when I wash dishes!

I didn't know anyone moving out here, but luckily it was a new building so everyone was new. So it felt like the college orientation meet and greet I never got as a commuter. I made friends with many in the building with my closest neighbors being Wally and Jose.

Through Jose I met Andrija and for probably 5 months straight we've been hitting the bars/clubs every weekend. He's moving to New York in a couple of weeks, which sucks, but we will stay friends and it gives me an extra excuse to visit the east coast!

Not much happened in the dating department, though I did go on two dates with a movie producer; the son of the guy who wrote Braveheart and directed The Secretariat. But after two dates things never amounted to anything and we mutually didn't call each other back. I guess he wasn't that "EXCEPTIONALLLL!"

This year I ran my first half marathon. It might be my last, but I am seriously considering running the inaugural Hollywood Half Marathon. It has a cool medal! Chelsey and I did the Disneyland Half Marathon in 3 hours flat, though we did take a lengthy bathroom break in there somewhere, so I know we ran it in less time.

I turned 30 this year! And I ushered my new adultdom in with a bitchin' Harry Potter party with just about everyone I love. It was such a hit that I am now considering doing a huge birthday party for myself every year.

I got a promotion at work. I went from Competitive Analyst to Product Support Director. The job is tough and doesn't pay more, but I work for my friend Michael and he's great and looks after me.

I became an uncle! I can't blog enough about how much I love Peytan! I can't wait to see her grow up and talk to her about her days and whatnot. I'm so proud.

This year though was tough for Grandma K. Her health has slipped and she required constant care. It was especially hard on my mom and aunts and uncles.

Despite some hardships, this year has been amazing. I feel like I've known my new neighbor friends for forever, yet it's only been a year. Looking forward to more good times down the road. Also looking forward to spending some more quality time with my old friends. And of course I envision myself flying out to New York quite often, with gifts!

So long 2011. You were good to me.

Xmas Sound Off

It's been a while since I've last blogged. But at this very moment I'm riding shotgun in the car on the way to Selena and Simon's house for Xmas party number 2 and I find myself with time to unload the old noggin.

SPEED UP YOU ASSHOLE!!

Sorry. Holiday drivers..

Anyway what's been up? I have recently gotten full fledged into How I Met Your Mother. And I am so looking for my own Ted Mosby or Marshall Ericson. The show is so sweet and romantic.

I got a Kindle Touch from Tim and Mike Wong for Xmas and I've been pouring through The Hunger Games! So addicting.

I can't wait till next week when I spend New Years Eve with my neighbors. I've really gotten to know Jose, Wally, and Andrija this year.

And lastly I've been recently chatting with a new guy from OKcupid. I see possible sparks here so let's see where this goes!!

The Eleventieth Hour

It's 11/11/11!

What's kind of cool is that I remember the day when I wrote the blog entry on 04/04/04.

And holy shit now it's 7 years later. Keeping this blog really puts my life in perspective. So much has changed since then. So much good stuff. I don't mean to quote the AM/PM slogan, but it's true!

Now comes the obligatory mushy stuff. I am so grateful for everything that has happened to me. And I would likely not change a thing. Well if I could change one thing I would do everything in my power not to fart in front of my neighbor Jose. Yes, that happened. And yes, I was mortified.

That's the bad thing about keeping a blog. The embarrassing stuff is forever..

4U 4RM 4S

Check me out! I am blogging this from the Blogger app on my new iPhone 4S! Nothing significant about this post. Just test driving this new means of bloggerating. Happy November! And I hope next year Halloween is better for you.

A Centipede.. With Human Features

It's that time of the year again! Halloween! One of my favorite holidays to prepare for, but not necessarily have. I only say that because for me creating a costume is more fun and exciting than actually wearing it. Last year I was The Riddler. That costume was hell to make, but in the end it came together swimmingly!

Sometime during the year I found my old Mr. Centipede doll from James and the Giant Peach. My favorite character from that movie! I thought it would be an easy costume to execute and allow me to reuse my newsie cap that I've used so many times before.

Two months before Halloween I started looking through thrift stores for necessary materials. I settled on a light gray thermal shirt ($1), fabric markers to draw stripes on the shirt ($6), a similar looking gray blouse to create extra arms ($1), brown striped trousers ($3), and Model Magic clay to create the hands and single horn sticking out of the hat ($6). My very first pair of suspenders ($8) and an orange pair of gloves ($10) from H&M rounded out my costume. I even got some turquoise contact lenses for a nice touch. As an accessory, I wanted to make a cigar that actually lit up at the tip. I found a Star Wars lightsaber M&M's dispenser ($5), wrapped it in paper/stuffing, rolled a cut up brown shirt ($1) around it, and taped a smudged cotton ball at the end. The effect was charming.

The arms presented a challenge. Sewn to the sides of my shirt, they just dangled lifeless and created "fat rolls" in the shirt. I knew I needed to connect them to my real arms so that they moved in coordination. I ended up using safety pins on my real arm sleeves and tied fishing line to it. Then with a sewing needle, I stitched through the artificial arms. It worked pretty well, but the weight of the artificial arms drew down the bottom of my sleeves and it did not look good. So I cut up an old sock and put the safety pin on that; drew the fishing line through a hole in my sleeve where I wear the sock directly on my arm. Success!

All looked to be going as planned, but then I did a full dress rehearsal with face paint. Whereas The Riddler costume came together beautifully, I was not happy at all with the overall look of Mr. Centipede. What was wrong? The makeup for one was not good. I looked nothing like the picture above. My head just isn't the right shape. And worse, my gloves were a brighter orange than everything else. It looked like my hands were badly sunburnt.

Because the costume needed work, I didn't wear it to the annual Trick-or-Treat tour at work. Which is pretty disappointing. Instead, I donned a generic Hogwarts costume with a double lightning bolt scar that I was told looked like a Nazi symbol. Oy!

So I ran to the store and found some gold felt squares (it was the closest they had to orange!) for Mom to stitch me up some homemade gloves ($1.20). They weren't perfect, but the toned down color blended better than the neon orange H&M gloves (waste of money!!). But there was still the problem of the makeup.

It was a game time decision, but I thought, what if I just drew an orange triangular nose. It's the most notable color on the character's face. So I drew a triangle. But the color blended too well into my real skin color, so I used red face paint to draw the outline of the nose. Then I decided to just accent my face with orange and do a minimalist approach. So I drew some orange lines above my eyebrows and some on my cheeks and chin. It worked!.. well enough. I was actually happy with how it looked. A stylistic take on Mr. Centipede.

I went to a bar last night in costume and no one really knew who I was. But I guess I didn't really expect people to know. I'm just glad I didn't hear many Human Centipede comments. Tomorrow night I'll be heading down to West Hollywood for the giant Halloween bash! Hope I get recognized!

Four Days With a Four Month Old

Ellvin, Grace, and Peytan came by last week for a visit (to see Grandma Kwan) and so I took most of the week off. We only see each other maybe 3 times a year (if that) and so it was important to max out as much time spent with them as possible.

At this moment Peytan is 4 months old and she's a big baby! My goodness. Holding her is tough! But she's a total sweetheart! She's not yet in a clingy separation anxiety phase, so she willingly goes to anyone. She's quiet and adorable. And for maybe 4 hours each day (spread across 20 minute intervals), she's playful!

One thing that I love is that she sleeps with a cute Winnie the Pooh plush pillow doll I gave her. Grace said that in the morning she will often times talk to Pooh and reach out for him.

We were able to throw a party for Peytan on the last night they were here. It was the first time all the new babies in our family were in the same room together.

And just as quickly as they blew in, they were gone; headed back to New York. The next time I see them will probably be next May when Peytan turns one! I might have to plan a New York getaway sometime in between.

Sigh. I miss them already. But I am already working on my next gift for her. :)

Crossroads of My World

There are times here and there and everywhere in between when I feel like I need some change or I need to set up some change or I need to start thinking of setting up some change. These are crossroads in our lives and we all encounter them. It's the moment when you think about your life and wonder if you should continue down this path or follow a different road.

I mentioned a few weeks back that I got a promotion at work. I getting involved in my new products and responsibilities and tasks, which is great. And I do love the title: Product Support Director. But there's always this jabbing in the back of my psyche that's telling me to pursue what I've always wanted to do: study film.

Even in my current occupation I strive to find creative outlets in my work. And in life insurance, there isn't much of the kind of creative opportunities I'm looking for.

So. After spilling the beans to my good friend and neighbor Wally and discussing my options for 2.5 hours, I've decided to finally enroll in some film classes. Just to get my feet wet.

Hopefully I'll start taking classes by January. I'll still maintain my job in the meantime. It's going to be a busy time, but like the half marathon taught me..

It's tough and grueling, but so rewarding in the end.

I hope that will be the case.

The Party I Never Had

I love my parents and all the parties that they gave me growing up, but I never had that big budget blowout birthday bonanza other kids had. And by "other kids" I mean my Kwan/Ong cousins. ;)

So that's why when I set out to plan my big once-in-a-lifetime 30th birthday party, I wanted to go big.

After two months of planning and brainstorming and crafting, my Very Potter Birthday came and went and was a huge hit. I spent a lot of time getting crafty and made a golden snitch, a goblet of fire, a shelf full of prophecies, school banners, a mandrake, and more. Check out the pictures below:

One thing that I did and didn't tell anyone explicitly was that I made all 7 horcruxes and hid them around my pad. It was fun watching guests get that epiphany and ask me "Are all the horcruxes hidden??" And then I watched as they set out to find them.

I also created a playlist with Moaning Myrtle sound bytes and played it loudly on the top shelf in my bathroom. Many guests were surprised and even frightened by what they heard.

Eric thought of using a Pensieve to show a slideshow of pics. So I figured out how to do that with a cardboard box, laptop, and a candle dish. People were blown away by the effect.

Of course I had to mimic the Great Hall and float some candles overhead. Wingardium leviosa really works!

The goblet of fire was a simple idea that turned into quite a headache. It didn't turn out how I had hoped, but was fine all the same.

Cake from Portos. Or did Hagrid make it?

Krystine made me these amazing golden snitch cake pops!

Hired this super cute cartoonist. He was also very talented. Dominic draws the most attractive caricatures!

A lot of fun all night with coworkers, family, neighbors, friends. Everyone who has a special place in my heart.

Thirteen Point One

I know I still have a Harry Potter birthday party to blog about, but I had to talk about this huge accomplishment yesterday.

I completed my first (and possibly last) half marathon!

I signed up back in March and all but planned to train hardcore for it, but when I started, my shinsplints were horrible. I thought they would go away after I got my new running shoes, but they didn't. So even though I was only up to 2 miles on the street, I stopped running for a while to let my legs heal.

And then I suddenly had a Harry Potter party to plan. And out went my desire to train.

Which then led to the Disneyland Half Marathon fast approaching. When it was one week away, I jumped on the elliptical and tried to work on some stamina, but with as little impact to my knees as possible. And I tried to eat lighter.

Well, I only did the elliptical twice and as for the eating thing.. let's just say Hooters and burgers and Chipotle and Yogurtland and Korean BBQ and.. got in the way.

So essentially I was screwed.

The Saturday before the race, I Metrolinked down to Anaheim and met up with Chelsey who had signed up with me. We went to the required Health Expo to pick up our race kits. Seeing the marathon bib suddenly made this entire thing so real.

We carb loaded on beignets, Boiling Crab, and a homemade spaghetti meal. And the rest of the Saturday we spent constructing our last minute Disney costumes.

She was going to do an Incredibles costume, but decided to turn her red shirt into Lilo from Lilo & Stitch. My costume was a bit harder to think of. I already bought a tan running shirt and black running shorts and pink running hat. So we looked in the Disney library to see if any characters fit that color scheme. And we thought about Little Brother from Mulan. Yes, the dog.

There's a great scene (and maybe his only scene) where Mulan ties a bone on his back that dangles over his head. As he chases the bone, he helps her feed the chickens. What a great idea for a running gag (pun intended). So I started gathering material to see if this could work.

I cut out a bone from a paper plate. I wanted to keep it light as possible. Then I found a durable wire (a stem from a fake rose). I taped that to the bill of my cap and hooked the bone through. It worked remarkably well. Then I rounded out the costume with a giant paper bag spot on my back and lower back for my tail. Paper bag ears safety pinned to my hat. And a green collar made from felt.

On race day, we woke up at 3AM to prepare. I put Body Glide EVERYWHERE and we were out of the house by 4:10AM. When we arrived, we saw NO ONE ELSE in costume! But when we went to the round up area we saw some good ones.

The race itself was grueling, but fun. Around Mile 2 my ankle started to feel achy. Then around Mile 4 my knee started to feel like it had a knife jammed in it. And all down Ball Road, the run completely sucked. Like a trudge to the slaughter.

Chelsey was exhausted at around Mile 6 and wanted me to carry on without her, but I wasn't about to do that to her. So I did my best encouraging her; trying to pump her up to get going. We picked short term goals and ran to them and rewarded ourselves with breaks. Walked all uphill segments and allowed gravity to trot us downhill. We took every water break along the path and ate nasty protein shots. BLEHH!

We arrived at Angels Stadium where the Ong family was waiting for us. They spotted us and had encouraging signs. We snapped a few photos and continued on our way. They provided a MUCH NEEDED boost at the Mile 9 mark.

After Angels Stadium it was more or less a straight-shot back to Disneyland. My calves started cramping up but I took some time to stretch them out. My knee felt like it was going to fall off. But we kept going along with a great crowd.

Before we knew it, around the corner after 12.5 miles, a giant cheering crowd cheered! Running at this point was extremely painful, but their chants to keep going helped us muster the strength to go. We passed the Mile 13 marker and saw the finish. Chelsey and I made a mad dash to the finish. And my god, crossing that finish line was the most incredible feeling. I was so proud of us and could not believe what we had just accomplished!

We wore our medals proud. I'm still on the fence about repeating this next year. Now that I know I can do it, I feel like why not?? But it was tough and it helped tremendously to do it along with someone; to help push you along.