The Shape of My Life to Come

Looking back on my year 30, I can't help but be astounded at what I've accomplished in a short year. A year ago, I was planning an amazing party that would ignite in me something I'd never really known: a passion to throw themed parties. It would also help bring me closer to a coworker than ever before. Sharing this same knack for party planning, I now consider her to be one of my best friends.. one I hope to actually start a business with someday.

A year ago I used the planning of my huge party as an excuse not to train for my first looming half marathon. I had also let my gym routine slide and was in what I even at the time considered my worst shape ever. Flash forward to today, I completed that half marathon and another one seven months later. It may have been the catalyst for my obsessive gym behavior. Beginning in January I overhauled my diet and began a morning workout schedule that I've maintained remarkably through this day. And now I am in what I would consider to be the best shape of my life. And I'm loving all the clothes I can now fit into. I've got another half marathon in less than two weeks and then a 10 mile run in Florida less than a month after that. And then another half marathon planned for early next year. I don't think I've just gotten the runner's bug. I think I was hit with the fitness for life bug. And it feels so good.

Things did go a bit sour when I lost my phone for the second time, but it did guilt me into a month of sobriety which helped to carve out my six pack. Still not entirely there yet I think, but it surely deserves its own blog entry when I get there.

I originally had more blog points to hit but I didn't want to turn this into a year end recap. So I'll just end by saying that my 30th year was pretty darn amazing. An amazing start to what will be, when I look back, the greatest time of my life.

Stuff Happening!

Thus far this hasn't been a successful year of blogging. But I'm doing what I can. I'm currently taking a break from everything I've been doing to write about everything that I've been doing.

First and foremost there's this little thing called my birthday party coming up in just two weeks. Next year I gotta pick something with less of a theme or possibly no theme. These preparations are killing me! This year's party is The 31st Hunger Games Birthday Battle Royale. I've been planning this since October and it has proven thus far tougher than the Harry Potter party. Things just aren't as cool in the Hunger Games universe, but I am doing some things for decor. Parachutes everywhere, cool themed drink menu, mockingjay sound effects to name a few. But the main star of the night is the Hunger Games game I'm planning. The winner gets $50! Basically through 4 rounds of luck/chance games, players will get "eliminated" until a victor is named. Should be a blast. I have Naqi playing Caesar Flickerman and conducting the games. Sam is bartending again. And I might have an Avox helping out with the food. Standby for pictures.

Three runs coming up. The 80's 5k, The Disneyland Half Marathon again, and The Tower of Terror 10 Miler in Walt Disney World. Yes, I have a major vacation coming up that I desperately NEED. Should be nice even if I am running.

Work has been so frantic. Projects Projects Projects. I'm hoping things will begin to ease a bit. I thought it would after we launched our LTC Rider, but that hasn't been the case. I needs me a little breather!

Then with family stuff, I'm trying to bring together a Kwan Family Cookbook. The ideal time of distribution would be Xmas, but I don't really think that'll happen. If I want it to be really nice that is. But who knows! After my WDW vacation I don't know what else I have besides preparing a Halloween costume. It might come together after all.

Meanwhile I'm still cutting back on the alcohol after I lost my second iPhone. I'm working out like mad. Been eating right since the end of January and I'm the lightest I've been since high school! I dipped down to 137 pounds.

Is that vacation here yet? First things first. Breathe. Keep assembling parachutes. Go out clubbing tonight... ;)

NOH8eration

On June 10 I marched in my first gay pride parade! And it won't be the last time.

Last year I watched from the sidelines as nearly the entire population of West Hollywood marched by in the longest parade ever. It was almost comical how ridiculously long it was. But this year, I immediately accepted an open call to march with the NOH8 campaign.

And even though we had to wait so long to begin marching due to the huge amount of groups going down the route, it was all worth it in the end.

I was under the impression that no one was into the parade, but to see so many faces and kids, it was amazing. We chanted down Santa Monica Blvd. for equal rights and proclaiming "no hate."

We even encountered a church of 3 people holding signs condemning our "sinful" behavior. I hope they know that that shrimp cocktail in their mouths is "sinful" just the same.

I had been of the opinion that the gay pride parade doesn't mean what it uses to. In the past it was a celebration of who we are; a place where we could be ourselves out in public with others like us and just have fun. But matching passed the protestors, it reminds me of how important it is to march. It is a big party. But it's also a statement that we must continue to make.

After the parade, I hung out at the bars by myself for the first time. And I met a ton of people. Fear conquered. Of course it helps that Pride brings out a different friendlier crowd than the usual WeHo scene.

Well I can't wait till the next one. I love a parade!

A New New York

Well it sure felt like summertime, but the wind wasn't quite blowing outside in lower Chelsea, but I did know what I was doing in that city..

DRINKING MY ASS OFF!

But enough quoting an old old old Third Eye Blind song; let's jump back to the beginning.

A trip to New York was needed for one real thing: Newsies on Broadway!

Yes the theater queen in me NEEDED to see Newsies on stage at ANY COST because, well, I had been dreaming about Newsies on stage for 10 years! And yes, even though Carrying the Banner and Santa Fe weren't staged like I had done in my living room, I was okay with it. But more on that later.

Newsies was originally set to play only 101 performances, so I targeted an end of May/beginning of June visit. But once I realized Peytan's birthday party was going to be Memorial Day weekend, my timeframe was set in stone.

And then there's Andrija who had settled into his Chelsea, NY home and was waiting for visitors.

So I bought tickets for a week long visit. And wouldn't you know it? My neighbor Jose had also planned to visit during Memorial Day weekend.

Boom. I flew out on the same day as Ellvin, Grace, and Peytan (who were in town for Krystine's wedding and Peytan's West Coast Eric Carle themed first birthday party) and stayed with them on Long Island for a couple of days.

Then I ventured into the city to meet up with Jose where we barhopped like mad. We must have hit up 4 or 5 bars just Wednesday night. And we also went and saw a live taping of the show Watch What Happens Live! with Andy Cohen. The guests were Dan Rather and John Mayer. It was so much fun and I was so drunk. But I was told that I was on my best behavior.

The next day was a total recovery day. Jose and I watched Battleship (which sucked) and I watched Ghost: The Musical that evening. The show had some truly amazing special effects! Sam became transparent and passed through a solid door right before my eyes! But besides the special effects, the show was not very good. The songs were generic and the set/background consisted of a giant LED screen that showed random crap during all times. It was distracting and completely ugly.

And then we saw Newsies a few days later. After losing the lottery, we went to inquire about full priced seats and were told that there were only two tickets left for $137 each.. killer seats. We snatched them up and I'm so glad we did because the show was amazing! It was everything I hoped it would be! 

On the last night in the city, we went barhopping again and I met someone. A guidoesque man who I found really attractive. And so we locked lips and talked that evening. When the night was over, he told me he lived in Jersey! I was ready to go home with the guy and he lived in Jersey! At that moment I could see the Jersey Shore in him. And even better, he had two kids! I don't even want to know..

The trip ended with Peytan's East Coast birthday party! She was so cute and happy!

Sorry for the rushed ending. I'm so tired of telling this story!

Nearly Killed by Hill

So this recap of the Hollywood Half Marathon is so late, but better late than not at all.

I want to say first and foremost that I still have not recovered 100% from the run even though it was two weeks ago. I mean I'm not hobbling around like an old man anymore, but I'm not exactly running again. It feels at this point that there might be some permanent knee and foot issues, but I'm hoping those go away eventually. Please.

So! To the race recap.

The night before I assembled my costume. I cut my name out of felt and safety pinned it to my moisture wicking shirt. This was necessary because the bibs for this race didn't have our names on them. And then trying to recreate my "chasing the bone" idea from the Disneyland Half, I made a paper carrot and used a rod from a $1 whisk to hang from the bill of my cap. It was Easter and was completely fitting.

So yes, I was chasing a carrot. And that joke is even funnier if you know the meaning of my last name.

But anyway, I got ready for the race at 3AM. My coworker Robin picked me up at 4:45 and we got to the starting line super early. She asked me how I felt and I told her I felt fine; felt good about running. Then she told me that, as a veteran runner, she used to get nervous about the what ifs; namely what if I have to poop during the race. And suddenly I was nervous about pooping!

I got all quiet. Butterflies in my stomach waiting to be shit out. I was fucking scared.

At this race, I'm guessing since it was the inaugural, they didn't place us in corrals. They had starting points based on your pace and you just jumped into one. We decided to start out in the 12:00/mile group.

The horn blew and after waiting a long time, we were off! We trotted through City Walk and down a big hill and across the 101 freeway. Then passed the eventual finish line and down to Hollywood Blvd. Early on I let the downhill gravity propel me forward whereas Robin fought it to maintain her pace, so she beckoned me to take off without her. So I went.

I blew passed a lot of people. And as I passed I could hear everyone having a good laugh at the carrot. They would yell out "I LOVE THE CARROT!" and "GET THAT CARROT!" It really helped motivate me.

We ran right passed my condo and I was hoping a neighbor would come down to cheer me on, but I guess it was too early.

Not even halfway through the run, the water stations ran out of cups. So we would have to cup our hands to receive water. Rookie mistake for an organized race. At one point the volunteers had bailed and left water jugs scattered on the street for us to pick up and hydrate.

Around mile 6 I started to fade. My strategy became run for 20 feet--walk till my legs don't hurt anymore. But knowing the streets and having checkpoints helped me along in a big way. This was my neighborhood! I would say "next up is the Umami I love" or "here comes the gay bar I like."

The turn around point came around mile 8 and that's when the tortoise left the hare in the dust. Robin, still maintaining her pace, tapped me on the shoulder as she passed by. I had burned out.

Miles 9 and 10 are a blur. I don't really know how I got passed them. But as I rounded the corner at Hollywood/Highland to go back up Cahuenga, a dude carried a sign that said "KILL THE HILL."

Ohhh, did he mean that that lovely downhill beginning that worked so well for me was now going to be the fucking bane of my existence????

Sure enough, miles 11 and 12 and 12.5 were ALL UP HILL. And everyone was defeated by it. It was like The Walking Dead up that hill. There was a point where Katy Perry's Hot n Cold came on and I was like "alright Katy. Let's get up this hill!" and I would start to jog upward, but I soon realized that it was too painful to jog and I wasn't going any faster than my walking speed.

So I just walked the entire thing. It NEVER ENDED. But eventually the hill finally rounded off and a tall handsome buff half naked man wearing his finisher medal was there to cheer us on before the finish.

He said clapping "Only half a mile left guys! And it's all downhill! You got the crowd behind you! You can do it!"

I would have jumped his bones right then and there, but I had a race to finish. Plus my knees were so bad at this point I most likely could not literally jump.

And so, I said to myself, "if that smokin hottie wants me to run, then for hot man's sake I'm going to run!"

I started back up but immediately my left quad seized up. This had happened before during the Disneyland Half, so I decided to run through it. But then my calf seize up and suddenly my left leg was frozen. Then starting at the left ankle, a numbness quickly shot through my leg and I panicked. This feeling was new. I stopped for a second and stretched a bit.

Back on the road and suddenly my right leg seizes up this time. This reduced me to a sad hobble. But by then I had reached the beginning of the finish line crowd.

"CATCH THAT CARROT!! YOU CAN DO IT!!"

Let's DO THIS! I thought. And ignoring all the pain and focusing solely on the approaching finish line, I sprinted to the end, weaving through the fatties that finished with me. With a fist pump I stuck a fork in my second half marathon.

Half marathons are just the right challenge for me. It's difficult but still doable and I really have to push myself but it's so rewarding in the end. The medal is fantastic! Well worth the death of my knee.

I'm anxious to heal completely so I can race again! Hoping to do a 10K at the end of the month but we'll see how my knee feels.

Marathon of Marathons

Tis the year of running for me. This all happened during a complete lapse in sanity no doubt. After completing the Disneyland Half Marathon in 2011, I was a little unsure of signing up for another one. On one hand the pain of it completely sucked. But on the other hand I completed it! And I didn't really train for it, so it wasn't so bad.

But it was an accomplishment that I was done with. Checked off my list. So what compelled me to sign up again?

My damn family! :)

We are doing a Kwan Family Cardio event! Several of us cousins are signed up and ready to run on September 2.

But that wasn't enough for me it seems. I went on ahead and signed up to run the inaugural Hollywood Half Marathon. And that's this Saturday!! I'm a little anxious because I'm running it all by myself. Hoping that some of my friends show up on the sidelines to cheer me on. I was thinking of making a banner to hang from my living room that says "GO RICKY, GO!" seeing as the course runs by my condo twice!

And if that isn't wicked enough, Eric invited me along to Florida to run the Twilight Zone: Tower of Terror 13K. It's a night run that includes a private after party at Disney Studios. I love the ride so much this sounds like so much fun! So I guess I'm going to Walt Disney World again in September.

That's right. Two Disney runs, coast to coast, in one month. Crazy!!!

Here we go..

Sleep Well Grandma Kwan

I've been pondering this entry for three weeks now; my heartfelt "goodbye" to my amazing grandmother. But I hate that word: goodbye. It seems so finite. And especially in the context of losing someone, I have this sense that saying goodbye implies never finding one another again.

My grandmother's health had been declining in the last year and a half or so. If you saw pictures from two years ago, you would have seen a healthy lady, happy and endearing as always. But things can turn so fast.

And that's the thing that makes cancer such a fucking bitch.

Soon she had lost the ability to produce saliva and speak clearly. It was incredibly hard to watch her eat and to see my parents' frustration and grandma's frustration when she tried to tell them something. It was hard to understand. And we would have never known that later on, what we would give to hear that voice at that moment just once more.

She resisted for a long time, but finally the eating situation was so bad that she really needed a feeding tube. And with the feeding tube required 24 hour monitoring that was hard on her children. I know mom had to work hard days at work and then her weekends were spent caring for grandma. But that's what you do for someone you love so much.

They did this for almost a year or maybe longer. I'm not entirely sure of the timeframe. And my grandma was so strong. She was a fighter. She shocked doctors who didn't think she had much time left. But that kind of living only lasts for so long.

Soon she lost the ability to speak at all. She had a bike horn that she would honka-honka whenever she needed something. And she could only communicate by writing things out. But how wonderful to have documentation that we can keep and cherish of her thoughts. On several pads of paper.

In her last few months the only thing that she really enjoyed doing was play mahjong. I wish I could have played with her more, but we got in two last game sessions. And I'm happy to say that as weak as they say she was, she kicked our asses in those last two games. Her brain was still so sharp. It's just that her body wasn't up for the task.

During her last week she eventually lost all hearing and could only see, albeit not 100%. But the last time I saw her alert and awake, I skipped work to see her at the hospital. They had stabilized her after a scare. I went in there and she was awake, but her eyes were sort of glazed over. And she was looking directly above her. I could almost see the reflection of whatever heavenly matter that manifested above her in her retinas. And then she turned her head slowly and saw me. And even though only one side of her cheek was functional, she still gave me a smile and a nod. And I knew she would be all right. She then turned back to look above her and I can only imagine what amazing mystical entity had her in awe. But I guess I'll let you know in my final blog entry when I get there.

A week later, on January 17, 2012, kidney dialysis wasn't an option, so the entire family rallied by her side. We even video chatted via iPad to Ellvin and Grace in New York. With her children around her bed and her grandchildren watching a live FaceTime stream in the waiting room, we let her go. Probably one of the hardest things to ever watch. Ever.

I was told that her big fear was that no one would be around her when she passed away. And the entire day of the 17th she had been in a coma. But within her final 37 seconds of life, for a brief second, she opened her eyes to find herself surrounded by all she loved and so much love.

I have to recognize this amazing family that I am a part of. How they took care of her in this final year; learning how to use these heavy duty medical contraptions. Despite all the hardships, they made it work. They banded together, closer than ever, and gave her one more year. So to hear my Auntie Debbie crying on a shoulder and wishing there was more she could have done for her.. broke my heart. You guys did so much. Know that. You did everything. And it would never feel like enough. I only hope and promise to do as much as you did for grandma for my parents and my family and my future husband.

I've written a lot about her final moments. I wanted to have this documented if only because I feel that my mind will want to let go of this heartache and block this painful time from my memory. But it's important to remember it; to remind myself of the strength this family has gained through all this. And maybe I should have written more loving memories I had with grandma on this tribute. But the thing is I'll always have and cherish those times.

Like the joy of seeing her complete English word searches and learn some English along the way! And how cute she was when she smiled at me in Yellowstone and she forgot she didn't have her dentures in but then smiled even more because she couldn't help it. And her calls to us to drive down to her house to walk over to the park and get free lunchy.

And so I won't say goodbye. Not here. I will simply say sleep well Po Po. Sleep with no pain. Sleep with your most wonderful dreams and memories. Sleep until we all wake again reunited, in the big KFC in the sky, and move beyond that mystical entity above together.

Bookend

Tonight we say goodbye to 2011. A year that flew by entirely too fast. Or maybe I just don't remember most of it because of all the drinking that had happened.

I wanted to say on here as a reminder to myself what a life changing year this has been. Or at least the very start of my life change or my life in general.

This year I fully moved out to Hollywood, CA. With tremendous help from my parents who just want me to be as happy as I can be, I bought a place that overlooks the freakin' Hollywood sign. It's there when I wash dishes!

I didn't know anyone moving out here, but luckily it was a new building so everyone was new. So it felt like the college orientation meet and greet I never got as a commuter. I made friends with many in the building with my closest neighbors being Wally and Jose.

Through Jose I met Andrija and for probably 5 months straight we've been hitting the bars/clubs every weekend. He's moving to New York in a couple of weeks, which sucks, but we will stay friends and it gives me an extra excuse to visit the east coast!

Not much happened in the dating department, though I did go on two dates with a movie producer; the son of the guy who wrote Braveheart and directed The Secretariat. But after two dates things never amounted to anything and we mutually didn't call each other back. I guess he wasn't that "EXCEPTIONALLLL!"

This year I ran my first half marathon. It might be my last, but I am seriously considering running the inaugural Hollywood Half Marathon. It has a cool medal! Chelsey and I did the Disneyland Half Marathon in 3 hours flat, though we did take a lengthy bathroom break in there somewhere, so I know we ran it in less time.

I turned 30 this year! And I ushered my new adultdom in with a bitchin' Harry Potter party with just about everyone I love. It was such a hit that I am now considering doing a huge birthday party for myself every year.

I got a promotion at work. I went from Competitive Analyst to Product Support Director. The job is tough and doesn't pay more, but I work for my friend Michael and he's great and looks after me.

I became an uncle! I can't blog enough about how much I love Peytan! I can't wait to see her grow up and talk to her about her days and whatnot. I'm so proud.

This year though was tough for Grandma K. Her health has slipped and she required constant care. It was especially hard on my mom and aunts and uncles.

Despite some hardships, this year has been amazing. I feel like I've known my new neighbor friends for forever, yet it's only been a year. Looking forward to more good times down the road. Also looking forward to spending some more quality time with my old friends. And of course I envision myself flying out to New York quite often, with gifts!

So long 2011. You were good to me.

Xmas Sound Off

It's been a while since I've last blogged. But at this very moment I'm riding shotgun in the car on the way to Selena and Simon's house for Xmas party number 2 and I find myself with time to unload the old noggin.

SPEED UP YOU ASSHOLE!!

Sorry. Holiday drivers..

Anyway what's been up? I have recently gotten full fledged into How I Met Your Mother. And I am so looking for my own Ted Mosby or Marshall Ericson. The show is so sweet and romantic.

I got a Kindle Touch from Tim and Mike Wong for Xmas and I've been pouring through The Hunger Games! So addicting.

I can't wait till next week when I spend New Years Eve with my neighbors. I've really gotten to know Jose, Wally, and Andrija this year.

And lastly I've been recently chatting with a new guy from OKcupid. I see possible sparks here so let's see where this goes!!

The Eleventieth Hour

It's 11/11/11!

What's kind of cool is that I remember the day when I wrote the blog entry on 04/04/04.

And holy shit now it's 7 years later. Keeping this blog really puts my life in perspective. So much has changed since then. So much good stuff. I don't mean to quote the AM/PM slogan, but it's true!

Now comes the obligatory mushy stuff. I am so grateful for everything that has happened to me. And I would likely not change a thing. Well if I could change one thing I would do everything in my power not to fart in front of my neighbor Jose. Yes, that happened. And yes, I was mortified.

That's the bad thing about keeping a blog. The embarrassing stuff is forever..