End of Year Sneer


It's a good day today! My head honcho boss let the entire department off early for the weekend. However, Timotei ain't a part of my department and so I am sitting here listening to the Newsies soundtrack and writing another interesting chapter to the saga that is my blogga.

I'm actually quite saddened by the lack of well thought-out stories this month. I've been lazy. You'll forgive me because I've been sick most of this month and busy with gift finding. So cruel is the life of mine.

In any word, I thought I'd just use this blog as a year wrap up since I don't anticipate any further blogs for this year (see Laziness above). But I'm not really good with remembrance, so I'm just going to post some random thoughts.

Did I ever tell you guys about the time my belt broke at work? I was called into my manager's office to review something on his computer. As I'm leaning forward to check his monitor, I hear a peeuoo and a ping! and the pressure at my waist felt light. It was when I looked down that I noticed my belt broke and my pants were starting to drop. I had no idea what to say. I kinda just grabbed the two ends of my belt and kept my pants from falling. My boss then looks at me and I just blurt out the obvious, "My belt just broke." I didn't think I had gained much weight, but perhaps only inches around the midsection? Nonetheless, at that moment, I thought I was getting really PHAT (piggy hands and toes). My manager picked up the screw to my belt from under his desk and handed it to me as my face turned cherry red. Apparently the screw on the belt had been loosening all these years and finally gave way at the worst (or best storywise) time imaginable. If my life were a movie, my pants would have fallen and a co-worker would have walked into the office. Oh awkward predicamento!

Angel Wing Jasmine and her bright-eyed best NorCal friend Sunshine came down for a weekend of Holiday Disney exactly two weeks ago. I only got to spend the Friday night with them and it was much fun! Erico Suave saved the day as he got us into the parks for free and also hung out with us to boot. Here are some very overdue pictures:

Ellvin Kelvin came back to town last week. It's been fun having him around. I wish he could stay longer. But you know New Yorkians. Why would they choose anywhere else to celebrate the new year when they have the ultimate block party countdown in Times Square? Well, our family got him a PSP for Christmas. I got Timotei an iPod protector he wanted and the second Lord of the Rings movie on DVD.

Now more importantly, the gifts I received! (Please note that I still haven't received gifts from some and I will edit this blog to reflect their gifts once we get a chance to exchange.)

Ellvin Kelvin - a FFAT (furiously fine and tumultuous) pair of DKNY sunglasses (because you know, he's an eye doctor in training)
Timotei - The Legend of Zelda: The Minish Cap for GBA
Father and Mother Routes - $100 towards the purchase of Ellvin Kelvin's PSP
Angel Wing Jasmine - Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney (a seriously FATT [fantastic and titillatingly titular] Nintendo DS title), Futurama comic books and calendar, and a Graeme Base book that I've been wanting since I was in the first grade)
Erico Suave - Trace Memory for Nintendo DS, a Metal Gear Solid comic collection that I've been wanting for months
Princess Karlita - Spelling Bee soundtrack
MacArthur - a comfortable as hell green Mossimo jacket
Family - 2 Gamecube/PS2 games, Simpsons Operation, Harry Potter Scene It, bathroom essentials, gift cards, poker chips, and money!

Overall it was a good haul.

And here's our holiday card if you wish to see it and become merry:



Well, I'm just about out of this office. I thought I had more random thoughts and stories to tell you, but I didn't or I don't have enough time. Oh well, I've got all of 2006 for all that. Gotta save some stories for the future, otherwise my readership would go from two people to one.



Have a PHFATT (potentially healthy, festive, and terribly trite) new year, ya buncha FAT (flabby and tubby) asses!

Ricky
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Secrete Santa. Bleed Santa.


I'm supposed to write what we got everyone this year, but I think I'll let Lind-z write stuff instead.

Take it...

So, to start off. This Christmas gala has been quite splendid, BUT i am damn tired. Maybe we should have stopped after the second hour of playing that new Harry Potter trivia game Rickina (new name given to Ricky by my sister Chelsey) from his Secret Santa. The Secret Santa thing turned out to be fun and surprising. Anyways, the food brought was scrumptious as usual. We had a mix of asian food and not asian food. [Rickina loves Simple Plan] We also ate cake, in celebration of my aunt's bday. The ham, however, was delicious. After eating, we played with Rickina's new game, which was VERY entertaining. There was much time spent on movie watching. We saw War of the Worlds (some parts TWICE), Batman, and now Pirates of the Caribbean. [Rickina stapled his finger while watching the old, fat lady who-delivers-the-mail pass by at work] Finally, as the clock hit midnight, we rounded up our family for the traditional picture taking, a time of impatience and unwanted cuss words. This year we decided to be on the smart side by using only ONE camera and having that unfortunate person email EVERYONE a copy of the picture. [Rickina is scared of pigeons with no fingernails] And then after pictures, it was time for PRESENTS!!! Rickina probably would have put on here how he received a gift that he had wanted for a while. It's OPERATION (SIMPSONS STYLE). It was fun watching everyone concentrate really hard just to get that small hammer toe or pea brain without setting off the guy's nose. However, the night came to an end as all the tired people left. Rickina and his family are sleeping over because...i don't know. We warned them already that my sisters and I recently bought bright nail polish. I personally think that Rickina would look swell with bubblegum pink nails. [Rickina ate too much ice cream that he had gas the whole night and had to make numerous stops to the bathroom] Timoteo already warned us long ago to never put nail polish after our first incident. When my sisters and I were younger, we put nail polish on Timoteo's nails while he was sleeping. Then we placed one of our most prized Barbies next to him. I don't know what the Barbie was for, but it seemed funny at the time. Anyways, so now it's almost two and I am in some need of sleep. Hopefully tomorrow Rickina will prepare the crepes that he and I set up today. I guess we forgot to make them today with the craze going on today. O ya. Our cousins, such as K-mart, brought their new puppies. They are adorable. There are two of them, one being a boy named Frankie and one being a girl named Angel. K-mart originally wanted the names to be Luke and Leah, which would have been cute. Anyways, this whole blog thing is getting too long and most of your readers are probably bored of hearing my perspective of the day. So I shall end here and leave the rest for Rickina to type. Maybe he'll read what i wrote and delete it all for his readers' sakes. And if you are wondering why there are little comments in these [], they are put there to see if Rickina would find them. Anyways, I am finished. Tonight was a good night. Well toodles for now!
-Lind-z
O ya.. below is what my cousin Sean wrote. He's quite the funny one isn't he....
This is s-dawg and im think lin-z is nuts!!!

Also, I don't get Rickina's title at the top. I think he should explain below...

I don't know what's written above, but the real title of this blog should be "Secret Santa; Secret Blogger." It's very late right now. So instead of reading the draft Lind-z wrote, I'll just trust that she's not calling me anything floopy.



Guest bloggers rock,

Ricky
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I am Rudolph. Hear me trot. Baaaaaa.


It never fails. It seems like every time Christmas rolls around, I wake up to a nice holiday zit right on my nose. And I'm not talking about those easily poppable whiteheads or the oh-so-squeezable blackheads. No sir, this is one of those everlasting globular zerts that throbs red for days and days, is sore to the touch, and seems to grow beyond the expanse of my nose.

It's almost as if I'm a were-reindeer who transforms into Rudolph every year before Christmas. Santa would approach me in the next couple of foggy days and look into the shiny speck on my schnoz and call me a crater-faced dookie head. Then I'd give him a swift kick to the groin with my hooves and fly away with all the toys.

But seriously, I hate hate hate having implausible pimples at improbable times. That last sentence doesn't make sense, but it sounded intellismart.

What was my point with this entry again? That's beside the point, but anyway, I totally forgot that I have to make an X-mas list this year for the blog. I'm gonna get ya'll so many lizards.



Lackadaisically yours,

Ricky
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Perplex-mas


'Tis the season for giving... or in my case, the season for not giving a damn.

Confession: I'm just not in a gift buying mood this year. I've got plenty of gifts to get, but for a change, I have no idea what to get anyone. I feel like I've exhausted my supply of gift ideas for friends. I've resorted to asking around. But I've got some gifts down, some gifts arriving via snail mail, and some gifts I'm totally screwed because I still have no idea. But mostly, I've been going shopping with the "one for you, one for me" protocol... and more than half of my shopping is "one for me."

I'm sorry, but good deals equates to me purchase. Let me list the things I've recently bought so that those who are shopping for gifts for me can return what they got for me when I most likely name it.

1. Prince of Persia: Warrior Within for PS2
2. Animal Crossing: Wild World for Nintendo DS
3. Sonic Rush for Nintendo DS
4. Workout bands

And now, a brand new feature for my blog. Wacky Workout Tips gives me the opportunity to share with my readers effective training routines and tips for a better body and a better you.

Wacky Workout Tip #1:

For the ultimate ab workout, try desperately holding in a fart while you do crunches. I tried it today and I've never had my stomach muscles work so hard in my life. So the next time you really need to cut a big fat one, drop down to the floor and do 3 sets of 25. And remember that breathing is very important. Make sure you inhale and expel and exhale.



Dookie is a funny word,

Iron Ricky
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Conquering Laundry Hill


You know, I always have the feeling that I don't have any nice clothes to wear. But it's hard to back that feeling up when you have a huge mound of dirty laundry taking up the entire bathroom floor. Well after three weeks of going through drawers of clothes that I normally would never wear, it was time to do the laundry. But five loads of clothes is a load of hogwash. And having to iron things, such a damn pain. Which is why I've decided to hire a maid. Not so much "hire" as it is "forced into slavery." Any takers?

Yeebers, I don't think I have much more to say. I had a little movie night yesterday. I saw Polar Express which was okay. Nice to look at, but the story was desperate for your attention that it threw every little thing it could at you. And it's got like 50 roller coaster type shots that get really old. I also finally saw Newsies and I thought it was awesome! I had heard some of the soundtrack from Angel Wing Jasmine and couldn't get passed all the New Yorkian accents in the singing. But after seeing the movie and hearing the songs in context, I love the music. All the songs are really catchy. I was gonna try and dress up as Bender next year for Halloween, but I think I'll be a newsboy instead. And given that my chimney sweep costume is very similar (I think people even thought I was going for newsboy), it should be very very easy to pull off. And finally a reason to get suspenders!

I'll leave it at that for today. Keep it nice and short and sweet for ya'll. You can go out and about and do something productive today. Me? I'm going to hang some Christmas lights around our house; something we haven't done here in probably ten years or so.



Carrying the banner,

Ricky
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Just Deserts


For a desert, Palm Desert was pretty damn cold this weekend. We went east yonder, all forty of us, to see Prisoner Tribbiani in Thoroughly Modern Millie. 'Twas the mini-vacation we've been planning for months and I'd say it was well worth it.

The drive was a nice one. Not very long. One-third of the way was my old daily commute to school, which made the trip even easier to stomach. On the way, we passed by a billion wind-powered power generators. They were mesmerizing to look at.

When we got to the theater, we quickly realized the lack of any "coloreds" or "youths" around. We were among the only non-white and non-old people there. It was, to say the least, awkward. The production itself was very good. Prisoner Tribbiani's role steals the show (and arguably makes it). Though Thoroughly Modern Millie is not my favorite show (I like it for the large dance numbers and "window ledge" scene only), knowing someone in the cast is mindboggling. It was especially weird having the cast greet us after the show. Surreal even.

Afterward, all 35 or so of us went to Hometown Buffet to dine with the star. He regaled us with backstage tales and gossip (apparently the actress who plays Millie owns a nice car!). It was a great time. He had to get back to the theater for his evening performance, so we cut a long dinner short. There were those of us who stayed in Palm Desert for the night and we had a freakin' blast at the hotel; listening to RENT tunes all night and playing multiplayer Mario Kart DS! Bitchin'!

Speaking of RENT, I saw it twice on the day it came out. It was really good. There are parts of it that they fully realized and parts that could not hold a candle (no pun intended) to the stage version. But it's awesome to finally have these great songs (and message) immortalized on film. I will of course be buying the Special Edition 14 disc DVD set when it comes out (or however else the DVD market decides to rape us consumers). I'm also very glad that it's creating new Rentheads. The Oblong family loved the movie so much (during the movie, I was very worried that they wouldn't like it at its slow moments) they saw it twice and haven't stopped listening to the soundtrack. It's actually kinda maddening. We'll all go see the stage show when another tour swings by Los Angeles.

Well, after our sleepover in Palm Desert, we went to the Cabazon Outlet stores and bought some shoes. It was a mad house. I was disappointed at the lack of big deals. Then we went home. Hum-dee-dum. It was a busy weekend that went by really fast, but it still felt like I didn't accomplish much. Oh well. Here's to Christmas vacation when Ellvin Kelvin will be back to tear up the town.

And if you want to know who I got for the Secret Santa, keep guessing. I'm not telling a sole (SHOES!). That's poetic!



Panning left,

Ricky Cohen for Buzzline
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There's a Pigeon Squashed on the Street. Ew.


(Warning! The following story contains descriptions of horrific gore and, like swimming, should not be attempted (read) until an hour after you have eaten. And no diving allowed. Thank you.)

So yesterday, when walking from the train to the bus in our journey to work, I trailed behind Timotei and his friend (whom we carpooled with) DJ Smiggles. I decided to cut through the street (avoiding the crosswalk) to get to the line for the bus we need. As I approached the end of the line, I saw Timotei and DJ Smiggles pointing behind me at the ground and laughing. So when I entered the line, I noticed that there was a flat out (no pun intended) bird roadkill in the center of the busway.

Now I would consider myself a smart man. I graduated from college with honors. I have a challenging occupation. I enjoy long walks on the beach and Apple Jacks (e-mail me if you're interested ladies). So, I put two and two together. I mean, I'm not stupid. I read books. I solve Jumbles and Sudokus. I am open to the idea of an open relationship (ladies, ladies, please, one at a time). So I was certain that I stepped in it. It was disgusting to just look at. Think of a gray gruel wrapped in a feathery boa, but less attractive. Just the thought of me stepping in that pigeon pancake was enough to make me sweat out of embarrassment, out of disgust, out of panic.

Which foot had dipped in the dodo? I felt it had to be my left foot because it was getting the most slippery from the perspiration. At least I had hoped it was sweat. But for moments, it felt like the buzzard's gizzards were lining the inside of my shoe; bathing my sole.

Thoughts ran through my head. I'd have to of course throw away the shoes or even burn them. A good excuse to buy a new pair. Can I contract worms through this or even worse... The Bird Flu. I have been feeling a bit sickly lately. And I've been farting a lot.

There's something incredibly sad about a bird flattened on a street; more so than other animals. Birds represent all that is free. They fly. They soar. They're majestic with their wings spread.

I entered the bus and sat down next to the others. And with a whimper and a whisper, I asked for confirmation. Did I or didn't I step on the bird? Did I or didn't I want to even know? Man up Rick. Just swallow (pun intended) the truth. And as a harvest moon rose over Cyberland, Timotei said to me the one word I had been longing to hear (but not from you ladies just to be clear): "No."

Apparently I had just barely missed that kaka. That's what they were laughing at. DJ Smiggles said to me that he saw me heading straight for it. "Oh man, he's gonna step on the bird!" And without even a heads up, I missed it. I'm sure it was partly due to my psychic sense. I have an innate awareness of danger. Sort of like a spider sense tingling, but more manly sounding. Ladies dig men who think about the future.

So that was yesterday. Today I was well aware of the bird droppings. Eyes to the ground, I saw the bird up close. It seemed to look more solid; more whole. I could make out more of the head and innards this time. It was because I was staring at a second bird squashed on the street. Disgusting. Both birds became speed bumps for buses. No mere coincidence that two birds were similarly dead within feet of each other. The buses don't drive fast through there. Must be some sort of evil were-car killing pigeons at midnight (I'm into late night movies). Or some fat kid stomping on their brains to death (I'm very robust). Or more scientifically, maybe God's smashing them (I'm a spiritual man). But one thing is certain, my feet sweat and you really didn't need to know that.



Call me at 555-7382 for a good time massaging my bunions,

Ricky
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Unsolved Dysentery


Folks, I believe I have witnessed a ghost farting. Yes kids, I truly thought that all my haunting experiences would be frightening, horrific, or even death-inducing, but no dice.

Yesterday, at work, I had gone to the bathroom to take a whiz. As I entered, I immediately heard someone in the far stall cut a big one. Being the gentleman that I am, I held my breath without as much as a grumble and proceeded to the urinals (which are located directly in front of the stall where my gaseous friend was pooping. So, I did my business all the while digging my nose into my shirt as to not smell any unpleasantness and went to the sink to wash up.

Here's where it gets scary. Into the bathroom walks a co-worker who greets me at the sink. We chat it up for about 3 seconds and then he goes to the far stall AND ENTERS IT! No one was in there the entire time.

Needless to say, I ran out of there and headed back to work as normal like nothing had happened. But I'm here to tell you now that when ghosts fart, it does not smell of roses like in the movies and them there books. No sir. It smells of heaven and onions.



My sh** don't stank,

Ricky
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10 Days Late


Holy mother of all that is holy, I can't believe we're already ten days into November and I haven't blogged this month yet. That's 1/3 of the month gone. I seriously have no idea what happened with the days. They just sort of shot passed me.

Well in those ten days, much has happened. Allow me to list:

- I forgot to mention in my last blog that K-mart, Lethal Lisa, Timotei, and I saw the show Aida in Fullerton. It was pretty good, but way too Elton Johnny at times. Some of the numbers ripped you right out of the Egyptian setting and into some disco club.

- Erico Suave and I went to a VIP Group Planner event to advertise the show Bombay Dreams coming to the Orange County Performing Arts Center. With all this group ticket planning I've been doing, I'm getting some invitations to these special events. Well we went in jeans and found everyone there oldish, whitish, fattish, and uncultured. Bombay Dreams is one of those Indian shows where each song consists of the words Shakalakalakalakalka...kalakala and there are harem hotties grooving to elaborate dance numbers. And when they showed a video of the show to the partiers, they just didn't seem interested at all. Oh well, at least I got hella henna tatted up.

- At work, I just got through a week of hell where I had literally seven tasks to do at the same time. I cannot wait for the Thanksgiving weekend so I can just relax, ya know? We'll be in Palm Desert seeing Prisoner Tribbiani's performance of Thoroughly Modern Millie.

- I'm trying to organize a family Secret Santa event this year. After initial confusing emails, I took a stand and set some rules. If you're part of my family and you still haven't responded, do so soon or else I'll personally gift wrap an ass kicking for you. Humbug.

- I went to the dentist today; the first time since I graduated from college (2 years). I had some black stains on my teeth that I was sure were cavities, but the nice dental hygienist said that it was just a build up of plaque and tartar. Gross, I know. But some bad news, for two years, that build up has been eating away at the bone under my gums. Therefore I'm going to need some major dental work done in the next couple of months.

- But on the brighter side, I bought a new laptop and printer! They're on their way to me now via UPS. It's a nice and shiny new 12" Apple iBook G4. I wanted a laptop to browse the internet while on the commuter train, while at work, while at relatives' houses, and do computer work while on vacation or away from Errol (my iMac G5). The iBook already has a name reserved... Hedwig! So my Harry Potter computer line-up is as follows:

40GB 3rd Gen iPod - Pigwidgeon
17" iMac G5 - Errol
Wireless Keyboard - Skeeter
Wireless Mouse - Scabbers
USB External Drive - BuckBeak
USB Cruzer micro portable flash drive - Lumos
iSight - Mad Eye
Wireless Router - Seeker
iBook - Hedwig
Timotei's 60GB 5th Gen iPod (Black) - Sirius

So yes, I am completely insane.



Playing catch up,

iRicky
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Trick or Sweep!


Shalom worthy pals. I have since calmed down after my fuming outburst from the previous blog in which I proclaimed my dissatisfaction with a certain unfortunate book of events in the form of a series. I am here to remind a'll ya'll of the wonders and funders of Halloween.

Yes my friends this year was a monumental Halloween of sorts because folks, this year I had a costume. And not just any old costume, no! Not just some shirt and thong I threw over my shoulder and said "my costume rocks," NO! Not just a drawing of a frownie face on my bare ass and a lone witch's wart in my belly button, HELL NO! (And never again, I might add). Yes folks, this year, I honest to goodness went out and purchased materials to create a costume that I WANTED TO BE! Hallelujah! Now before I let you scroll down to see my costume or even mention what it is I was, I have to tell you how I constructed it. But since I'm sure ya'll just skipped down to the picture in this blog after that previous sentence, I'll just flat out say that I was a freakin' Chimney Sweep. You impatient bastards. Yes friends, I was a Sweep ala Mary Poppins style.

So how did this costume come to be? It all began when I was five years old. Christmas Eve, there I was sitting next to the chimney with a fire ablaze waiting for Santa Claus and I had just laid a poop in my pants. The chimney looked so dirty and grimy and well, so was my poop chute. Flash forward to age seven. A walk in the park and an old english lad sits alone on a park bench pond-side. He tips his hat to me as I toddle by, but not without receiving a blow to the head by an unkindly park official. "No Soliciting" said the sign, I remember. The sun was still setting. Even faster flash to age who knows, my first viewing of Fantasmic at Disneyland. My family huddled at the edge of the Rivers of America speaking nothing but our native tongue. Our Skor candy bars passed around the circle of hands. One bite for each is all we could afford that week. The show begins! Lights fill my innocent eyes. Music wafts into my waxiful ears. And an ugly Disney freak sits next to us viewing his bible of the show; his wretched stench sings through my nostrils. But there on the big white steamboat! A boat that brings me back to that tumultuous day we sailed to this wonderful free nation. Yes, waving at the back of that ship! Baloo! But who are those dirty people above him? Holding their black brooms and donning tattered clothing. The sweeps. I knew from that point that that was my destiny. I was destined to wave.

True story. Flash forward to two weeks ago. "What the hell should I be for Halloween?" I ask myself. And I think back to my blessed childhood; back to the time when Santa never came through my damn chimney, back to when the cops drowned that bum in the old duck pond, back to when that tainted Skor bar gave us all food poisoning and we had dysentery for weeks, and my charmed eyes light up and I whisper... "Chimney Sweep."

No fooling. That there's a true to form story. But really, I've always wanted to be a Chimney Sweep for Halloween. I really love that Step in Time scene from Mary Poppins. So here's what I did to construct my costume. First and foremost was the hat. I searched online and found some old antique caps for sale, but the prices were ginormous. So I ran to my local mall and luckily found a newsboy cap on sale for $16 at Burlington Coat Factory. Then I went to American Eagle Outfitters to buy this wicked blazer I had been yearning for for weeks. It was a great way to justify my purchase ($60). Dual purpose! On a separate shopping day, I found red socks at Champs ($1.99), a handkerchief at Anchor Blue ($3), a checkered shirt from Mervyn's ($20) and pinstriped black pants that I can also use at work ($29). I also cut up my favorite white gloves from when I worked at Disneyland ($0). The biggest challenge was the broom. Nobody sells those round bristled chimney brooms anywhere (probably not in this century), so I was up to the task in making one. I went through Michael's the craft store and first thought about buying a round styrofoam ball and inserting some straw into it, but that seemed ridiculously complicated. So, while scoping out Home Depot, I found a very cheap $5 broom (made of basic hay/grass/wheat/straw). I bought it along with a can of black spray paint. At home, I cut out all the stitching that flattened out the broom so that it formed a round shape. Then I soaked it in some water and slammed it down on the ground so that the bristles became flat and in a circular fanned out shape. I left it overnight with a 45 pound bar bell sitting on it and then spray painted it for two days. The result was magnifique.

I knew that I needed to make myself look dirty, so I rubbed my handkerchief on my car tires to get it nice and blackened. I rubbed wet soil into my jacket, but it proved a waste because it wasn't noticeable the following day. And then there was the matter of black soot on my face and neck. So, I hobbled to my nearest Target and, gulp, cruised through the bright and cheerful as hell make-up aisle. I felt like such a tool being there that I called Angel Wing Jasmine to help me pick out some eye shadow that wasn't glittery and make it sound as if I were buying it for her. I ended up getting this cheap Maybelline color called Night Sky. The checkout clerk didn't think anything of a guy buying make up. She probably took more notice at the manly Playboys I was purchasing in addition to the make-up. I'm glad I got the eye shadow though, because the soot effect was perfect as witnessed by the picture below! Yes, you may look now.

So that's my costume tale. I wore the costume to work last Friday and everyone thought I was an adorable bum. Then at Erico Suave and MacArthur's Halloween bonanza, everyone liked my costume as well. It'll take a hell of a lot of thought to best this costume next year. Perhaps something with a tutu?



Still waiting for Santa to bring me a Sega Game Gear dammit,

Ricky
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