A Centipede.. With Human Features

It's that time of the year again! Halloween! One of my favorite holidays to prepare for, but not necessarily have. I only say that because for me creating a costume is more fun and exciting than actually wearing it. Last year I was The Riddler. That costume was hell to make, but in the end it came together swimmingly!

Sometime during the year I found my old Mr. Centipede doll from James and the Giant Peach. My favorite character from that movie! I thought it would be an easy costume to execute and allow me to reuse my newsie cap that I've used so many times before.

Two months before Halloween I started looking through thrift stores for necessary materials. I settled on a light gray thermal shirt ($1), fabric markers to draw stripes on the shirt ($6), a similar looking gray blouse to create extra arms ($1), brown striped trousers ($3), and Model Magic clay to create the hands and single horn sticking out of the hat ($6). My very first pair of suspenders ($8) and an orange pair of gloves ($10) from H&M rounded out my costume. I even got some turquoise contact lenses for a nice touch. As an accessory, I wanted to make a cigar that actually lit up at the tip. I found a Star Wars lightsaber M&M's dispenser ($5), wrapped it in paper/stuffing, rolled a cut up brown shirt ($1) around it, and taped a smudged cotton ball at the end. The effect was charming.

The arms presented a challenge. Sewn to the sides of my shirt, they just dangled lifeless and created "fat rolls" in the shirt. I knew I needed to connect them to my real arms so that they moved in coordination. I ended up using safety pins on my real arm sleeves and tied fishing line to it. Then with a sewing needle, I stitched through the artificial arms. It worked pretty well, but the weight of the artificial arms drew down the bottom of my sleeves and it did not look good. So I cut up an old sock and put the safety pin on that; drew the fishing line through a hole in my sleeve where I wear the sock directly on my arm. Success!

All looked to be going as planned, but then I did a full dress rehearsal with face paint. Whereas The Riddler costume came together beautifully, I was not happy at all with the overall look of Mr. Centipede. What was wrong? The makeup for one was not good. I looked nothing like the picture above. My head just isn't the right shape. And worse, my gloves were a brighter orange than everything else. It looked like my hands were badly sunburnt.

Because the costume needed work, I didn't wear it to the annual Trick-or-Treat tour at work. Which is pretty disappointing. Instead, I donned a generic Hogwarts costume with a double lightning bolt scar that I was told looked like a Nazi symbol. Oy!

So I ran to the store and found some gold felt squares (it was the closest they had to orange!) for Mom to stitch me up some homemade gloves ($1.20). They weren't perfect, but the toned down color blended better than the neon orange H&M gloves (waste of money!!). But there was still the problem of the makeup.

It was a game time decision, but I thought, what if I just drew an orange triangular nose. It's the most notable color on the character's face. So I drew a triangle. But the color blended too well into my real skin color, so I used red face paint to draw the outline of the nose. Then I decided to just accent my face with orange and do a minimalist approach. So I drew some orange lines above my eyebrows and some on my cheeks and chin. It worked!.. well enough. I was actually happy with how it looked. A stylistic take on Mr. Centipede.

I went to a bar last night in costume and no one really knew who I was. But I guess I didn't really expect people to know. I'm just glad I didn't hear many Human Centipede comments. Tomorrow night I'll be heading down to West Hollywood for the giant Halloween bash! Hope I get recognized!

Four Days With a Four Month Old

Ellvin, Grace, and Peytan came by last week for a visit (to see Grandma Kwan) and so I took most of the week off. We only see each other maybe 3 times a year (if that) and so it was important to max out as much time spent with them as possible.

At this moment Peytan is 4 months old and she's a big baby! My goodness. Holding her is tough! But she's a total sweetheart! She's not yet in a clingy separation anxiety phase, so she willingly goes to anyone. She's quiet and adorable. And for maybe 4 hours each day (spread across 20 minute intervals), she's playful!

One thing that I love is that she sleeps with a cute Winnie the Pooh plush pillow doll I gave her. Grace said that in the morning she will often times talk to Pooh and reach out for him.

We were able to throw a party for Peytan on the last night they were here. It was the first time all the new babies in our family were in the same room together.

And just as quickly as they blew in, they were gone; headed back to New York. The next time I see them will probably be next May when Peytan turns one! I might have to plan a New York getaway sometime in between.

Sigh. I miss them already. But I am already working on my next gift for her. :)

Crossroads of My World

There are times here and there and everywhere in between when I feel like I need some change or I need to set up some change or I need to start thinking of setting up some change. These are crossroads in our lives and we all encounter them. It's the moment when you think about your life and wonder if you should continue down this path or follow a different road.

I mentioned a few weeks back that I got a promotion at work. I getting involved in my new products and responsibilities and tasks, which is great. And I do love the title: Product Support Director. But there's always this jabbing in the back of my psyche that's telling me to pursue what I've always wanted to do: study film.

Even in my current occupation I strive to find creative outlets in my work. And in life insurance, there isn't much of the kind of creative opportunities I'm looking for.

So. After spilling the beans to my good friend and neighbor Wally and discussing my options for 2.5 hours, I've decided to finally enroll in some film classes. Just to get my feet wet.

Hopefully I'll start taking classes by January. I'll still maintain my job in the meantime. It's going to be a busy time, but like the half marathon taught me..

It's tough and grueling, but so rewarding in the end.

I hope that will be the case.

The Party I Never Had

I love my parents and all the parties that they gave me growing up, but I never had that big budget blowout birthday bonanza other kids had. And by "other kids" I mean my Kwan/Ong cousins. ;)

So that's why when I set out to plan my big once-in-a-lifetime 30th birthday party, I wanted to go big.

After two months of planning and brainstorming and crafting, my Very Potter Birthday came and went and was a huge hit. I spent a lot of time getting crafty and made a golden snitch, a goblet of fire, a shelf full of prophecies, school banners, a mandrake, and more. Check out the pictures below:

One thing that I did and didn't tell anyone explicitly was that I made all 7 horcruxes and hid them around my pad. It was fun watching guests get that epiphany and ask me "Are all the horcruxes hidden??" And then I watched as they set out to find them.

I also created a playlist with Moaning Myrtle sound bytes and played it loudly on the top shelf in my bathroom. Many guests were surprised and even frightened by what they heard.

Eric thought of using a Pensieve to show a slideshow of pics. So I figured out how to do that with a cardboard box, laptop, and a candle dish. People were blown away by the effect.

Of course I had to mimic the Great Hall and float some candles overhead. Wingardium leviosa really works!

The goblet of fire was a simple idea that turned into quite a headache. It didn't turn out how I had hoped, but was fine all the same.

Cake from Portos. Or did Hagrid make it?

Krystine made me these amazing golden snitch cake pops!

Hired this super cute cartoonist. He was also very talented. Dominic draws the most attractive caricatures!

A lot of fun all night with coworkers, family, neighbors, friends. Everyone who has a special place in my heart.

Thirteen Point One

I know I still have a Harry Potter birthday party to blog about, but I had to talk about this huge accomplishment yesterday.

I completed my first (and possibly last) half marathon!

I signed up back in March and all but planned to train hardcore for it, but when I started, my shinsplints were horrible. I thought they would go away after I got my new running shoes, but they didn't. So even though I was only up to 2 miles on the street, I stopped running for a while to let my legs heal.

And then I suddenly had a Harry Potter party to plan. And out went my desire to train.

Which then led to the Disneyland Half Marathon fast approaching. When it was one week away, I jumped on the elliptical and tried to work on some stamina, but with as little impact to my knees as possible. And I tried to eat lighter.

Well, I only did the elliptical twice and as for the eating thing.. let's just say Hooters and burgers and Chipotle and Yogurtland and Korean BBQ and.. got in the way.

So essentially I was screwed.

The Saturday before the race, I Metrolinked down to Anaheim and met up with Chelsey who had signed up with me. We went to the required Health Expo to pick up our race kits. Seeing the marathon bib suddenly made this entire thing so real.

We carb loaded on beignets, Boiling Crab, and a homemade spaghetti meal. And the rest of the Saturday we spent constructing our last minute Disney costumes.

She was going to do an Incredibles costume, but decided to turn her red shirt into Lilo from Lilo & Stitch. My costume was a bit harder to think of. I already bought a tan running shirt and black running shorts and pink running hat. So we looked in the Disney library to see if any characters fit that color scheme. And we thought about Little Brother from Mulan. Yes, the dog.

There's a great scene (and maybe his only scene) where Mulan ties a bone on his back that dangles over his head. As he chases the bone, he helps her feed the chickens. What a great idea for a running gag (pun intended). So I started gathering material to see if this could work.

I cut out a bone from a paper plate. I wanted to keep it light as possible. Then I found a durable wire (a stem from a fake rose). I taped that to the bill of my cap and hooked the bone through. It worked remarkably well. Then I rounded out the costume with a giant paper bag spot on my back and lower back for my tail. Paper bag ears safety pinned to my hat. And a green collar made from felt.

On race day, we woke up at 3AM to prepare. I put Body Glide EVERYWHERE and we were out of the house by 4:10AM. When we arrived, we saw NO ONE ELSE in costume! But when we went to the round up area we saw some good ones.

The race itself was grueling, but fun. Around Mile 2 my ankle started to feel achy. Then around Mile 4 my knee started to feel like it had a knife jammed in it. And all down Ball Road, the run completely sucked. Like a trudge to the slaughter.

Chelsey was exhausted at around Mile 6 and wanted me to carry on without her, but I wasn't about to do that to her. So I did my best encouraging her; trying to pump her up to get going. We picked short term goals and ran to them and rewarded ourselves with breaks. Walked all uphill segments and allowed gravity to trot us downhill. We took every water break along the path and ate nasty protein shots. BLEHH!

We arrived at Angels Stadium where the Ong family was waiting for us. They spotted us and had encouraging signs. We snapped a few photos and continued on our way. They provided a MUCH NEEDED boost at the Mile 9 mark.

After Angels Stadium it was more or less a straight-shot back to Disneyland. My calves started cramping up but I took some time to stretch them out. My knee felt like it was going to fall off. But we kept going along with a great crowd.

Before we knew it, around the corner after 12.5 miles, a giant cheering crowd cheered! Running at this point was extremely painful, but their chants to keep going helped us muster the strength to go. We passed the Mile 13 marker and saw the finish. Chelsey and I made a mad dash to the finish. And my god, crossing that finish line was the most incredible feeling. I was so proud of us and could not believe what we had just accomplished!

We wore our medals proud. I'm still on the fence about repeating this next year. Now that I know I can do it, I feel like why not?? But it was tough and it helped tremendously to do it along with someone; to help push you along.

Tick Tick Tick Tick Tick Tick..

BOOM.

It's finally happened. I'm no longer a 20-something. I've entered my 30's; or as many would put it, my dirty flirty herty gerty thirties.

But am I freaking out? Not really, no. Although I feel like I missed out on a lot of my twenties, I intend on making up for it plenty in my thirties.

But I feel like I'm exactly where I want to be right now in my life. I recently got a promotion at work from Competitive Analyst to Product Support Director. And of course earlier this year I made the big and necessary move to Hollywood. So, new job, new home, new friends, new nightlife, new haircut (kinda); new start! Hoping to add a new relationship sometime soon..

But first. I have to run a damn half marathon. Damn. That's in two weeks.

Eep.

The Hardest Thing I Ever Did

Normally a title like that, when uttered, would yield a quick "That's what she said!" But this post is serious.

So December of 2009 rolled around and in fly Ellvin and Grace. Their arrival marked the "no turning back now" point. They were really here for my Uncle Arthur's wedding, but also to provide me with the support they promised.

And so on December 4, 2009, after a home-cooked Taiwanese style hot pot dinner, I locked myself in my room. I was gathering the courage to bring up the inevitable. After several visits from Grace to tell me that it would be all right, we formulated a plan. She had some wedding pictures that she wanted to show my parents, so we used those to get them to the table. The only problem was my mom was feeling under the weather and already went to bed. So, selfishly, I woke her up and told her that Grace had some photos and we were looking over them at the dinner table. She got up and met up with us downstairs.

So my parents were at the table flipping through the photos. Ellvin was sitting across from me giving me weird "I know what's about to happen" eyes. Grace was to my left. Tim was passed out on the couch, but there in spirit. And finally, allowing the wealth of support to wash over me and give me the courage to open up.. this secret I'd been keeping from my parents for my entire life.. I spat out, "Mom, Dad, I need to tell you something."

My mom set down the pictures and both parents looked at me in alarm. Anything that starts like that, in that tone, with that shaky of a voice, is serious.

I then proceeded with the speech I had laid out for months: Obama's great "How I am going to come out to my parents" speech.

"I just need to tell you guys that I'm gay." Breathe.

My dad's eyebrows went up skyhigh.

"This is something I've known for a long time now. I want you to know that there's nothing wrong with me. It wasn't anything you did. It's just who I am. And I hope you can accept me."

Grace's hand fell to my shoulder as I started to tear up. My mom's eyes rolled back, clearly annoyed. She said "Not this again." My dad looked away briefly processing what his son had just told him, but then returned his gaze. He stared at me, not saying a word; just analyzing me as if searching for his son; who was this person in front of him?

Then my mom blurted out what I was afraid of. She said "Well you told me years ago but I didn't say anything to your father like you said."

My dad was taken aback. How come he was the last to know? I'm sure it hurt him. "You knew?" he asked.

I intervened, "You were the hardest person to tell this to. I'm sorry."

Silence.

Grace broke the awkwardness around the table. She offered up some comfort about how she has many gay friends and that it's not a choice.

My mom then said, "Well, I'm okay with it. What else can I say?"

We started chatting around the table about the usual; signs that I was gay and what not. My mom even offered up some family history of someone who was probably gay, which was news to me. I guess they don't talk about that ancestor much.

My dad at this point still had not said anything. I was hoping that the conversation around the table would help him deal with the news. Late into the night he had this to say:

"Well I still love you. You're my son and I'll never stop loving you. I need time to let this sink in. I'm going to bed."

He then gave me a hug and went off to bed. We all decided to call it a night. Then in walked Tim, ready to provide support! Hahaha.

So even though some things were left in the air, I cannot tell you how soundly I slept that night. It was an amazing feeling getting everything out in the open like that. It's quite a triumph. Chances are I'll never have to do anything that painfully difficult again.

iPhone Phone Home

I went back to my blog posts from 2009 and it looks like I never blogged about my iPhone 3GS. How is that possible?

Well in any case, never you mind that I had an iPhone 3GS at all because it's gone. Effing crap dude. This is the first time I've lost a phone and it had to be the iPhone!

Not that I want to remember this low point in my life, but I lost it dancing at the Abbey in West Hollywood. And I got a bruised lip to boot..

I'm using an old phone while I wait for the new iPhone to come out in two months. But seriously, once you go iPhone, you can't go back. This old Samsung Blackjack SUCKS! Winblows Mobile SUCKS!

But I'll deal.

Since I took this little break from my coming out story, I should also say that I've been doing a LOT of planning and decorating for my huge 30th birthday party. It's Harry Potter themed! I'm hoping to have my coming out stuff wrapped up by the 22nd so that I can just look forward to the future!

Yay!

The U.S. Opening Up

Ellvin and Grace's wedding came quickly. And by this time Eric and Arthur had already taken me to my first gay club (Executive Suite in Long Beach) and my first gay pride (Long Beach Gay Pride). So I'm already getting comfortable in my own skin; no longer having to pretend to be unlike myself.

The wedding was beautiful and I knew I didn't want to steal or possibly put a damper on it, so I decided to wait till after to spill the beans. One night we went out in the city for karaoke and I tried to tell them there, but we had cousins tag along, so I refrained.

But the next day, we went to the U.S. Open to watch some big name tennis matches. We were with both my parents and Grace's parents. So I was looking for an opening where I would have Grace and Ellvin alone. Lunch came around where tables were hard to come by, so it just so happened that the parents and the kids had to sit at separate tables across a huge dining area.

Realizing that this was the best and possibly only time to do it, I tried to spit out the words during lunch. But all I could do was rub my hands together and stare off into space. While we were wrapping up lunch, I stopped Grace and Ellvin from getting up and told them, "I.. need to tell you guys that.. I'm gay. And I hope that's okay..?" My voice was as shaky as ever.

Grace's reaction was this: "Is that all? Of course that's okay!"

And then I started crying.

I started dishing about how hard things have been and the internal struggle and how I came out to Tim. Meanwhile, Ellvin still had not said anything. And I couldn't tell what he was thinking because he was wearing reflective sunglasses.

But after I was done blabbering about the usual gay coming-out stuff and still crying, Ellvin gave me a hug and I could see tears rolling down his face from under his sunglasses.

They told me that they would help support me when I told my folks. I said that I was going to try to tell them soon, but if I can't muster up the courage, then my absolute deadline would be Christmastime when Ellvin and Grace would be back in California at my side.

And even though I wanted to out myself to my parents as soon as possible, knowing that Ellvin and Grace and Tim would be there for me at Christmas was too perfect a scenario to pass up. And so I waited..

The Weight of the World

So seven more years would pass carrying this massive burden. Thoughts of what to do about myself and constant internal conflict sat square on my shoulders.

Your twenties are supposed to be an amazing time in your life. You're at your sexual peak; supposed to be out dating, having fun, trying new things. I shied away from all of that and locked myself away. I was comfortable around my close friends because they never brought up the subject of love and dating (probably because they knew I was gay and didn't want to make me feel uncomfortable). But when it came to meeting new people, I tried to be unsociable. I remember making up excuses not to hang out with my coworkers because I felt we were getting too close and personal.

The entire thing was just humiliating as well. Here I was as celibate as a rock, not dating, never been kissed; and here came my cousins (some of which I changed their diapers growing up) having relationships and whatnot. I felt like a complete loser.

And it also caused me to look down at organized religion extremely negatively. How could I believe that any God existed that would tell his followers to hate me even though he created me this way? Of course it was bad enough hearing people insist that being gay is a "lifestyle choice" when they have absolutely no fucking clue. For these people, if they're so sure it is a choice, then that means they chose somewhere in their lives to be straight, which means they are in actuality bisexual and choose to ignore their feelings for the same sex.

Okay, I'm rambling. But I'm just trying to convey all the shit I had to put up with (and still do today). So something happened when I joined Twitter. I developed a huge crush on a guy who I presumed to be straight.

And in talking to the guy, my crush grew out of control to the point where I constantly had him on my mind. And then riding on the train into work one morning, everything that had been sitting atop my shoulders suddenly crept into my head and seized my brain. I don't know if you've ever had that feeling like you need to jump out of a moving vehicle, but that's what this episode felt like. My body would not let me relax. I felt like I was at the end of my rope and I just felt like I desperately needed to tell somebody about me or I would end up hurting myself. I needed to diffuse because the pressure inside my head was reaching critical mass.

And so on that morning, April 14, 2009, I texted the one person I knew would be okay with me; the person I had been trying to tell for months: Erico Suave.

One side note: I think I'm done with these cutesy names for people on my blog. From this point on I will be using real names. It's just a little thing called growth.

So I told Eric. And even though he didn't get the text until later in the morning, right after I sent that text, immediately and literally the weight of the world lifted off my shoulders. And I felt RELIEF!

I then started letting my friends know and found that either they pretty much knew or it wasn't a big deal. All my friends were incredibly supportive.

Now, back to this crush on Twitter. I had it hard for this guy and it drove me crazy that I had these uncontrollably strong feelings and had nowhere to hang them on. Because he was straight, it was a dead end and I knew it. But he was so nice and gave me so much attention. One night after work, all these emotions hit a wall and I collapsed into a ball on the floor of my room and could not stop crying. I really had no idea why. Texting with Eric, I surmised that I needed to tell someone in my family my secret; that my body was forcing me to get it over with.

I thought this was a good plan, so I tried to muster up the courage to tell Tim who was in the other room watching "Shaq Vs." After several attempts, I could not do it. I just could not spit out the words. Or to even bring it up is incredibly awkward. There's just no easy transition into coming out. My crush then texted me to ask what was going on. I told him that I was trying to tell my brother my secret and then my crush texted this:

That sounds good. I haven't told many in my family yet.

Wide eyed, I couldn't believe what I was reading. He's gay! It felt like fate or some shit. And so I thought that if I had any chance of getting with this man, I must tell Tim now. And so I finally mustered up the courage and.. with my head buried in my hands.. I blurted out "Tim, I need to tell you that.. I'm gay. And I hope that's okay."

He paused. And then he asked, "Are you serious?"

Head still in hands, I nodded.

And then he said he was cool with it. We talked a bit about if he had any clue and stuff. The next morning he held up a Macy's catalogue opened to the women's lingerie page and asked "So this does nothing to you??" I confirmed earnestly. And then he flipped the magazine over to an old unattractive male model and said "So you like this?"

He was on the right track, but I had to give him a blehhh look.

Telling Tim was incredibly liberating. It allowed me to be myself in my own home. But there was something that surprised me about Tim. He said to me that he would stand by my side when the time came to tell my mom and dad. Amazingly, this thought had never occurred to me before. Growing up with this secret, I always pictured myself dealing with it all alone. I never thought about how when I tell others, they would become my support and help me get through this difficult time.

Then naturally I had to tell Ellvin and Grace. But would I do it before their wedding.. or on the day of..?