Wednesday, January 05, 2005

a bum's life

Apparently Urinetown is the Dash bus that takes me to the train station because that's exactly what it smelled like.

Sometimes public buses just smell like urine for the hell of it, but this one wreaked of pee pee because of a lady. All was well on the Dash when we boarded, but things soon turned to golden shower heaven when this (I'm assuming) homeless woman boarded the bus and sat 3 seats in front of me.

Immediately, I could smell what felt as if my head were face down in a urinal (sans the urinal cake). At first, I tried to be nice about it and just stop breathing, but I guess there's something wrong with me because I can't quit breathing for too long. So then I started taking short periodic sips of air from my mouth, but after thinking that I'm technically eating the smell of the urine (and therefore possibly particles of piss dust), I grossed myself out and held my breath.

So here's the question... when do you just stop being nice and straight up hold your nose in front of her? You know, people like that probably know they smell and are all used to people within their radius recoiling their noses in disgust. So in this case, it took me exactly 20 seconds before I didn't care if I offended the homeless lady and dug my nose into my backpack so I didn't have to smell her pee-pee-soaked rags any longer. Best decision of my flippin' life.

Here's the kicker though. It didn't help all that much. The smell of what appears to have been the gutter water she drank for breakfast bypassed the backpack and invaded full force. All I could do was clutch my backpack tighter and think of lillies until the lady was gone.

Several blocks later, she realized that she was on the wrong freakin' bus and left. It turns out she didn't even pay the full bus fare, but the driver let her ride anyway. Stupid nice bus drivers. And this is why I don't like giving money to the homeless. It'll only bite you in the ass in the future.

Just the other day, a homeless man got on the bus and paid his 25 cent fare. He then wished everyone a happy new year and asked everyone to give him at least a penny each. The man continued to talk and plead his case in both English and Spanish until he got really annoyed when no one was giving up change. He started yelling, "It's just a penny!"

Bottom line: You give him a penny and he'll keep having enough money to get on the bus and beg for more.

Am I being heartless? Probably. But I don't care. I'm out to make my life as enjoyable as possible. And before you say, "Just wait till you're homeless and smell and can't help it and start making people gag," I just want to say that I already smell. So there.