Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Christmas in California

Before I talk about Christmas, I gotta mention Steve Byrne's gig at the Brea Improv. Steve Bryne is my new favorite stand-up comedian. He makes me want to pursue a career in stand-up. I'm still very much a Steven Lynch fan, but Steve Byrne is a more traditional type of comedian. So I'm all about the Steves of Comedy.

Anyway, he rocks and rocked. Here's our picture with him so I can brag and say I knew him when.

Okay, now on to the matter at hand. Christmas felt like a rip this year. I'm not complaining about dwindling present quantity or anything. I'm talking about quality family time. Because I had to work on Christmas Eve, the day felt shorter of course. But everyone was late because of traffic. And the fact that time flies when we play Rock Band, Christmas felt very short and uneventful. But we still got to see just about everyone, which was nice. Unfortunately, this was Ellvin Kelvin's first Christmas away from the family. He opted to skip Christmas in lue of a longer stay in late January with Amazing Grace. That should be a ton of fun.

And since I've been running behind with all these blogs, I might as well mention here that we had a crazy UFC fight / Rock Band all-nighter party. I didn't enjoy a filthy house afterward, but it was generally fun.

Wondering if this could have been a more boring blog entry,


Tuesday, December 23, 2008

A Vegas Rundown

I'm supposed to keep my big fat mouth SHUT about what went down in Las Vegas this past weekend, but who am I kidding? I'm a natural born snitch.

It all started when we arrived. But that's obvious. We were the first to arrive because we took the entire day off from work. That left us about 2 hours before anyone else would get there. So I got started with the gambling. I played Blackjack. Some dude next to me was criticizing the way I was double-downing and so I left. But I did leave $25 bucks up. Then I lost it on some stupid dice game called Chuck a Luck.

The rest of our co-workers arrived and we checked into our rooms. They had made a booze stop and so we were fully stocked. But a phone call from room service landed us some free champagne; a gift from a co-worker who couldn't make the trip! It was so nice! AND this champagne was actually GREAT! It was the first champagne I actually enjoyed. It was called J Cuvee Brut 20 and tasted fantastic. Plus it hit us hard after only two glasses. Sweet.

We went to Planet Hollywood to look for a karaoke bar and ended up getting wristbands to get into the club Prive for free. After a quick dinner, we went to the club to get in, but were denied entry. There was a good size crowd in front of the club waiting to get in, and since we had more guys than girls, they couldn't let us in unless we paid to reserve a table or bought a bottle of booze for "only" $375. Apparently the club had too many guys already. My co-worker was all like "No! We were told we could get in for free." They told us there were no exceptions, so not caring anymore, we said "fuck it," turned around and walked away. To our surprise, a manager chased us down and said "We just want you guys to have fun. What kind of deal can I offer you guys? Make me an offer." My co-worker replied "We don't want to buy any bottles or pay for a table. We were told we could get in for free and that's what we want." And so, he agreed and let us in for free.

As we escalated up the escalator into the club, suddenly the club seemed so pathetic chasing down people to get in. When we entered, we saw why he chased us down; the place was dead. We decided we needed a few shots to get into a dancing mood, so we asked the bartender for shots, her choice. She made us the House concoction that looked like Apple Pucker, amoretto, and cranberry juice. The shot was pathetic and, if you can believe it, actually felt like it was sobering us up from our initial champagne buzz. Weaksauce!

So we left that club and gambled a bit back at New York New York. At 4AM, we decided to go to the Hooters casino for 25¢ chicken wings. We ordered 80 wings and ended up eating about half of them.

So we slept and woke up at 10AM. Our plan for the day was to get brunch at the Bellagio buffet, but knowing it takes the goils a long time to get ready, I went downstairs to the roller coaster (the Manhattan Express as it's officially named). For a single ride, it costs $14! The last time I rode this was with Erico Suave when we were in middle or high school. I remember the ride being the worst roller coaster ever created. Being a coaster junkie when I was younger, I knew that developer Togo was known for shitty coasters. They were responsible for the crapfest that was Windjammer at Knott's (the lamest coaster ever to replace a beloved ride [the Soapbox Racers]). But I really wanted to ride it just for the hell of it. So, in order not to get ripped off, I bought the day pass for $25. That morning, I rode the ride and immediately remembered why the ride sucks. It's incredible jerky and rough. A shoulder harness sits on top but functions only to bruise your shoulders and chop at your neck. The only good part is the barrel roll... but it is not worth the pain to get to that one section.

At the Bellagio buffet, I had champagne and the best orange juice this side of the Mississippi. The buffet was good, but I just don't dig "all you can eat" places any more. There's way too much pressure and I hate being so full to the point of discomfort and nausea.

When we got back, it was just about time to ready to see the Cirque du Soleil show "KÁ." We bought killer seats (5th row center) and the show was amazing!!! By far my favorite Cirque show now. I could not believe my eyes.

When the show ended, we ate at McDonald's. Then our group split up. My co-worker's manager got him access to a private lounge at Mandalay Bay, but he was only able to take in a few people. Rather than fight over who gets to go, I decided to hang out with another co-worker at the Gameworks arcade. When midnight approached, I left Gameworks and endured the tourture of the Manhattan Express one last time in the front seat.

After the ride, I went back to the room and called Timotei to see where they were. They had just left for the lounge and told me to meet up with them. They had checked with the club and were being allowed to bring in all of us.

We drank. We smoked cigars. We partied and danced. There was an awkward and angry Bulgarian. The club was a blur, but it was hella fun as hell. There was also the nicest view of the strip I had ever seen. The private club was at the very top of Mandalay Bay, right next to the sign on the building.

Well anyway, I got sick, went back to my room, puked a bit, felt way better in the morning.

We had a quick breakfast at 'Wichcraft and then went home.

Sorry for the rushed ending. I'm kinda tired of telling this story.

Bottom line: Vegas fun. Can't wait to go back!

Clever salutation,


Thursday, December 11, 2008

Revenge of the "Dynamite December Daze"

Wow, it's been five years since my "Dynamite December Daze" eventstravaganza! Has it been that long? I guess all my other Decembers have been pretty uneventful. But this is 2008 so here we go!

--- Angel Wing Jasmine 2-Day Disney BollyBlitz ---
The DDD events really started with Angel Wing Jasmine and Coxsmith's trip down yonder nether-regions. But I already blogged about that, so let's move on to future events.

--- Co-Worker Fuckin' Party ---
I apologize for the language, but this Saturday night, we're all gonna get f'ed the fuck up!!! Well, we have been getting bugged repeatedly by co-workers to host a house party at our house. I had been lackadaisical only because I did not want people to drive all the way out to the boonies just for a beer. But, they promised some nice housewarming gifts, so I caved. I do love me some regalos caros.

So this Saturday, one night only... We will drink. We will pizza. We will rock. Shitfaced, I shall document the night for this blog.

--- Annual Holiday Potfuck ---
Uh, so, it's really "potluck," but I just got so caught up in the last party part that the F word just slipped. Fuckin' awesome! But next Tuesday is our Annual Holiday Floor Potluck at work. This year, Timotei and I are joining forces to bring Famous Dave's cornbread muffins. They will be how you say fuckin' sweet as hell bitches!

--- New Yawk, Nevada ---
It may seem like this whole month is dedicated to my co-worker bees, but that's pretty much the truth. Next weekend, Timotei and I will be joining 9 co-workers and their significant others at Vegas to tear up the town. Oh yeah, right when we cross that stateline, I will transform into my player alter ego "Rude Dude Twenty-two." We'll see how many bitches score with me. Probably nud.

--- Comic-on ---
The night we return from Vegas, we will try to hit up a stand up act with half Irish, half Korean funnyman Steve Byrne. Hopefully we can make this. He is heil-larious.

--- X-mas and New Years ---
Same old. But also very fun. But the first without Ellvin Kelvin. He will be coming back in January though with Amazing Grace chillin' with the homies (meaning Timotei and me).

So that's my jam-packed December. Before I know it, there will be puke on my brand new house carpets and the month will be over. Thank Glob too because I can't wait till 2009. Oh shit. High school reunion...

"Dynamite December Daze" Part Deux starts neux!


Monday, December 08, 2008

Angel Wing Jasmine Gets Honeymoon 2.0

Two straight up full days at Disneyland. Wow. And diarrhea to boot.

Angel Wing Jasmine and hubby Coxsmith came down for a makeup honeymoon of sorts, but on a budget. They were down here for two days of Disneyland and Disney's California Adventure. In order to save up money for the big Florida trip in April, Erico Suave signed us into the parks and I offered to have them crash at my house for the weekend.

I'm not sure if they felt it was worth it though. Leaving Disneyland at 1:00AM each evening to drive half an hour to my house is not fun. They may have felt it would have been worth the money for a hotel. But they are welcome whenever they want.

Anyway, at Disneyland, with Erico Suave and MacArthur, we had so much fun. Just check out these pictures as photographic proof!

In that last photo, Chip was a freakin' perv. He kept grabbing at my sides making me bust out laughing. By the way, I got diarrhea by drinking an Iced Mocha and eating two Dole Whips. Never again.

Still exhausted,


Wednesday, December 03, 2008

The Nose Knows Zit

Have you ever had a zit grow inside your nose?

I hadn't either. Just checking. Because it's gross.

BAH, who am I kidding? I created this blog entry because I got the most peculiar zit growing on the inside of my nose. Very peculiar in fact that it makes it impossible to pick boogers from my right nostril, which is fine by me because I never ever pick my nose. Ever.

For real. I nevers.

Why are my nostrils so ginormous then, you ask? Genetics. Seriously, my nostrils are so big, a group of spelunkers can go spelunking in them.

Speaking of spelunking, I'm so good at segues, we got free movie channels this past Thanksgiving weekend (and in fact we STILL have them!) and we watched a movie called The Descent. It is about 6 women who go cave exploring and then get caved in and these cave monsters that see like cave bats kill them in the cave. It was very very good until the ending which SUCKED.

Realizing that this would probably have worked better as a "Random Nation" post,