Tuesday, July 31, 2007

The Ghost Strangler

Before you send out a mob to lynch me for delaying my New York ending once again, consider the following: I have a ghost story.

A few weeks ago I had the strangest experience. I remember waking up in the middle of the night shifting around in my bed. When I woke up though, I had no control of my body. I felt as if I was just lying still, yet my body was turning on its side and around onto my back.

When I finally gained full awareness, I looked up at the ceiling and believe it with all my being that I saw a rippling, tingling, amebous, clear blob existing over me. I remember it being very distinctly different from my ceiling, meaning I saw the static ceiling space and very clearly saw a different entity separate from said ceiling.

At this sight, I denied it in my head. I was 80% awake, but tried to convince myself that I had not seen anything. I brought my blanket up over my face and forced myself to sleep without the curiosity of looking at whatever it is I think I saw.

Consider this: in the past few days, my neck has been rashing out each morning. Ugly red spots cover the front of my neck when I wake up.

Which brings us to last night. In thinking that small bugs were biting at my neck at night, I shielded my neck with a towel and went to bed. But in the middle of the night, while laying on my back, I periodically felt something tighten around my neck. This occurred every few minutes and woke me from sleep each time. It really felt like someone or something was choking me.

And you know what? It's making me nervous writing this down. By doing so, I'm acknowledging that I witnessed these things. So no more on this subject, especially when I have to get to bed in ten minutes.

Not sleeping tight,


Friday, July 27, 2007

The Spider-ick! Chronicles: The Incident While Peeing

I just did a search of my blog and I found no sign of my spider/peeing story of my youth. I mean, I tell that story to everyone, so natch I thought I would have certainly blogged about it already. But it seems I haven't, which actually works well because now is the perfect time for that story.

Now yes, I understand that I still need to finish up my New York saga. Rest assured, I'm not going to pull a Jim Hill and not finish it (possibly only Erico Suave and MacArthur know what I'm referencing). I am very much in the middle of it and unless I get pregnant and have to delay the blog in order to devote an entire year to my child, it will get published (does anyone know who I'm referencing here?).

So back to spiders; or as I like to call them: espidereses. There seems to be some sort of spider attraction to me when it comes to urination. Perhaps I'm a living pheromone spewing spout. Whatever the case, it simply cannot be denied that I have been attacked by espidereses exactly TWICE while in the process of expelling liquid waste. TWICE! That's enough for a pattern.

The first occurrence happened when I was a wee lad. I rushed to the baƱo and proceeded to whiz. A strange compellance made me look up at the ceiling as I did my business. My view was of a gigantic black spider webbing down directly over my head. At an agonizing crawling pace, it curled its two front or hind legs upward, unraveling a crystal strand of ballsack thread. Lower, lower, lower, aiming to join the fleas on my scalp.

Panic stricken, I clenched my pelvic floor muscles to try and end the yellow stream, but the fear only brought about more trickles. Like straight out of a suspense movie, my eyes darted from piss to spider to piss to spider. Hurry! Finish! Stop!

And finally, the pee stopped. I gave a little shake above the rim and ducked out of harm's way! I remember huddling in a corner, rocking back and forth, reliving the close call in my head.

When the blood returned to my face, I opened the door to see where it had landed and it was taking a leisurely swim in the bubbling hot springs. I flushed her away.

Which brings us to incident numba TWO! I had just gotten back from seeing The Simpsons Movie (great movie, by the way) and treating MacArthur to a belated birthday dinner. The first thing I did was rush to the bathroom and discharged my bladder supply. All was hunkydory until I reached the near end of my piss, and suddenly that strange feeling ran down my left leg. My eyes veered to the ground and witnessed a big black spider dart quick-as-a-Motrin right towards my left foot. I pulled my left leg away, but it simply went straight for my right foot. So after hopping from one foot to the other in a dance the Japanese call "Sook Panijena Hoojep", the spider made its way to the wall.

That's where I chopped and I kicked and I hi-ya! I cowardly stepped on several towels bunched on the floor and slid them over to smash the spider against the wall. The vermin looked pancaked and twisted on the tiled bathroom floor as a result, but soon snapped out of its deceptive deadman's pose and started wandering away. I smooshed it four more times with my foot and towel combination, but instead of vicious savage squashings, the attacks were more like fluffy marshmallows smothering a camp fire; about as deadly as a drunken sorority girl pillow fight. Needing another plan, I grabbed a bottle of hairspray (great movie, by the way) and doused the spider. It appeared dazed and drunk, slipping and wobbling for shelter. And for the final kill, I took handsoap and pumped it all over it until it drowned in anti-bacterial goopiness.

The deed was done. The ordeal had ended. And the world had returned to harmony.

A lesson is to be learned here: never trust a spider when you pee. There's something about those bladder fumes that make them go b-a-na-na-s.

Coming to the realization that I almost lost my leg today,


Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Ricky Routes and The Deathly Bowels

In order to force myself to write this as promised and not dawdle like a Peruvian boar, I am writing this on the loo, where I am certain J.K. Rowling wrote most of books 3 and 5. Because really, it's like a breeding ground for ideas.

But anyway... to the book! In this first of seven installments of my extensive Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows review, I will dissect the main plot points as well as deconstruct Harry's Horcrux Quest (say that 10 times fast).

I'm only kidding. As I respect the secrecy of the ending and the importance of non-spoilage, I will remain as vague as possible when reviewing this book.

I massively enjoyed it; almost loved, but definitely more than *really* liked. I had some issues with the pacing and one glaringly laughable "whatever" moment that did not have to be included, but I was glued to the book. The story had so many big moments and was thrilling and informational.

It's so hard to list what bugged me about the book and still appear to be greatly positive, but I guess I have to take the risk. So much of the book was wasted and really dragged while Harry and friends tried to figure out what to do next. They really just sat there and bickered, and it was frustrating. Also there were huge, ginormous blocks of exposition that went on and on and they weren't the easiest to understand. So you were required to think, but thankfully, to an extent, these explanations were satisfying. Yet following these slowdowns, Rowling picked the story right back up with an exciting scene.

And truly, this book will make one helluva movie. I just worry about when it comes time to explain blankety blank blank. Hopefully they'll be able to tell most of the story visually and not just talk for 2 hours. I was really depressed when blank died; but not as much as when blank died. But I loved that Snape was blank.

The bottom line: J.K. Rowling had the most impossible task of drawing the Harry Potter story to a close. There were so many loose ends and questions that I'm surprised she actually had the Punky Power to sit down and tackle it all. And she does tackle it all, unless I'm missing something. That's what's most impressive about this book. Questions are amazingly answered and things come to a very satisfying conclusion. I have to give her major credit just for that because, well, I'm reminded of A Series of Unfortunate Events that answered barely anything. Sure, if you return to my review of that book, I did enjoy it and liked where the characters ended up in the end, but WHAT THE HELL IS WITH THAT SUGAR BOWL??? REALLY! CHASING IT FOR 7 BOOKS AND NOTHING??? ARE YOU SIRIUS???

All is well,

I Sleep At The Close

Well it took me an entire Sunday, a Monday night, and a Tuesday night (Saturday didn't count because I was pretty much out all day), but I finished. And I long to crash on my four-poster bed and wonder if a house elf will serve me a sandwich.

Tomorrow, I'll write what I thought. But right now, Sleeparo!


Saturday, July 21, 2007

Owl Post

It's here! At last!

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

Time to isolate myself from the outside world.

Until the end... good night... and good luck.


Roonil Wazlib

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Hurry Potter!

Since yesterday, I've been living under a rock when it comes to news sites and the like. Some jackass leaked pictures of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows on the net and now everywhere I turn it's "Harry Potter leaked! See what happens!" and "Read the possible endings of the book!"

I wish this world wasn't so full of assholes. Honestly, why would someone want to ruin something for so many people. Or maybe I should blame my constant need to avoid spoilers and see things fresh. I'm the same with movies that I care deeply about. Seeing too much of an anticipated thing leads to less enjoyment. I find things are far worth the wait.

So dammit, this Saturday can't come fast enough. For the past two books, I've gone to Borders at midnight to pick up the books, but this year I'm so daftly paranoid of some jerkoff getting the first copy, flipping to the end, and yelling "HARRY DIES!" (or "HARRY LIVES!" for that matter) and killing it for everyone. Of course, I'm sure everyone in the bookstore would kill that jerkoff; thousands of anklebiting kids gnawing his spoiling limbs off. Hell, now I'm kind of sad that I'll miss that; a live man getting ripped to shreds. I'm sure there'll be other times for that.

Where was I? Oh yeah, so instead of risking it, I pre-ordered my book off Amazon, which should be delivered Saturday afternoon; at which time I will lock myself in my room and read read read till my eyes bleed. It's an ambitious task (finishing the book over the two day weekend) for myself since I read at such a slow rate, but I think I can do it. Headaches be damned, I will finish before I rejoin the populous on Monday morning where all dangers of ruining the ending will cease to exist. Of course, I'd probably have to stay in the hospital for a week to Reparo! my eyeballs, but it'll all be worth it in the end.

Neosporining my eyes,


Saturday, July 14, 2007

Calimigos With Amigos

There's no denying my fondness for large family activities. Each year, my company throws a family picnic usually held at a theme park. This year, at the moans and groans of many employees, they decided to have a genuine old fashioned company picnic at Calimigos Ranch in Malibu.

Since three of us work for the company, we were able to wrangle up 18 tickets total for barbeque and fun. So who went? The entire Martini family (sans a working K-Mart), The Yepsups!, Lindz, Missy Elliot Girl (MEG), Agent J, and of course Mother and Father Routes and Timotei.

The trip out there is long and it isn't necessarily beachside like I figured in my head. It was up in the hills; a secluded piece of heaven that smells more of a 4th grade camping trip than a wedding reception (as advertised). I rode along with The Yepsups! with Agent J while sipping a Robeks Green Tea Sensation smoothie (my third in three days straight and I paid dearly by having my dump come out green. I don't think it's been that color since I was a toddler eating Gerber Spinach & Peas).

When we finally got there (traffic out the wazzoo), after a quick piss in a stall next to Auntie C who failed to notice the "Mens" signage on the door, Agent J and I went to climb the Rock Wall (I got up three times and it's a lot harder than the blokes on American Gladiators made it look) and paddle on the Paddle Boats (in a murky pond swimming with tadpoles and crablike spiders). Five minutes on those waters and we were out of there.

Then we grabbed some grub and met up with the others. Mostly it was Agent J and me doing the various activities (including the world's fastest spinning ferris wheel). We ran into my boss and his kids at the Water Balloon Launchers. That was fun. It was weird hearing my boss chuckle at those who couldn't launch the balloons far, but I joined alongside him.

And to show what a small world this Earth is, my boss's wife recognized Agent K and said "I didn't know your parents worked for this company!" to which he replied "They don't. I'm here with my cousins." Then as she saw Timotei behind Agent K, she realized "WHOAMOTHAWHATTHE?" It turns out that Agent K played soccer for a few months with my boss's eldest son. And actually, my boss and his wife know Razor Ramon and The Debster. So, yeah, that was kinda odd how that worked out, but nonetheless cool.

So although it was initially disappointing that we weren't spending time at a theme park for our annual company event, their intentions proved to be worthwhile. The company event coordinators wanted to have our coworker families spend more time together and in forcing us, I had a great time chillin' (wrong word of choice since it was scorching) with everyone.



Thursday, July 12, 2007

Misfortune Cookies: The Graduate

As I said before, redeye flights lead to days wasted. But at least it wasn't miserable.

It turns out that our flight delay kind of worked to our favor.

You see, when last I went to Florida with Erico Suave, Angel Wing Jasmine, and MacArthur, we redeyed and arrived in the early morning. Check in times at hotels are always in the afternoon, but we had hoped that they had some extra rooms for early check in. They didn't. So that first day was miserable being dirty and stinky and oily and grimy.

Holla! We were originally due to land in New York at 8 AM, but because of the 4 hour delay, we landed at noon. It was hotter and muggier than hell as we stepped off the plane. We traveled via subway to the hotel which was to be a simple 2 transfer route, but ended up being a whole backtracking incident due to construction. They're always constructing! So after 2 hours on the subway, we finally got to the hotel and it was check in time! We blasted that AC and showered like myopic pigs.

And that was pretty much Day One of our trip. We walked around a bit looking for something to eat and settled on some very delicious looking-yet bland tasting Cuban food. And we met up with Ellvin Kelvin who stayed with us that night. But that was pretty much the day.

And that's when the trip started to go by the books.

Just like zat, the next day brought Ellvin Kelvin's graduation. The day started early with a free breakfast at the school. After meeting some of EK's friends and professors (including one who was so dedicated to his students that he would go in search of struggling students at libraries and nearby studyspots before a major exam to offer assistance), we journeyed to the theater for the ceremony.

Now usually I zone out during ceremonies like this, but since Ellvin Kelvin's girlfriend Amazing Grace was the Student Body President, she had to give a speech. And though her address was riddled with eye jokes that only an optometrist could understand, it was enjoyable. But the guest speaker that took the podium after Amazing Grace was horrid; his actually felt more like a lecture that would not end.

But we endured and witnessed with our own eyeballs Ellvin Kelvin and Amazing Grace become doctors. It was actually very cool and surreal. Ellvin Kelvin is a doctor! I can finally get that free pair of colored contact lenses I've wanted since high school!

After the graduation, I was tapped on the shoulder by a very old (old as in "haven't seen in a while") friend Krystal Baller. Not to harp on the past or anything, but she and I went to a Sadie Hawkins dance together and really, we hadn't spoken in like 10 years. It's hard to believe it's been that long. She goes to the same school Ellvin Kelvin attended in New York and she figured I'd be at the graduation. She said it was easy to pick me out of the crowd because I hadn't changed a bit. Ah ha, friendly smile disappears. Is it really swell to know you haven't changed at all? I mean, hello! I've been working out like, what, once every two weeks? Did she not notice these guns? NRA 4eva!

And when everything had wrapped, we went to Saigon Grill for dinner; our family and Amazing Grace's family together 4eva. And here's the tricky part: Father Grace excused himself from the table after the fourth dish or so arrived and took care of the bill. That was very nice of him because it had to have been expensive! And truth be told, it wasn't that great of food. I suppose it's as good as fusion American style asian food can be, but when you have the real stuff, you ain't not never gon' go back playa!

All in all, it was a very nice evening and we really enjoyed Amazing Grace's family. We hope we made an equally good impression, though I'm 96% sure that we were seen as cheap since we didn't arm wrestle over the bill. Just kidding.

So graduation is nice and all, but when you're in New York, you see plays and shows. And I saw a bunch, but I can't get into that now. But rest assured, I'll admit that I'm very embarrassed that this trip report is taking over a month to tell, so I promise I'll end it soon. Really.

To Be Continued.

Saturday, July 07, 2007


It's days like today that force me to write a blog because these types of days will never again happen in my lifetime. July 7, 2007.


If only I could see that in Vegas! Humina humina cha-ching!

But seriously, there's no real substance to this entry; just me seizing an opportunity to log in the fact that, yes, I was alive during this momentous occasion and, yes, I was aware that it was a spectacular day in history. How spectacular is it, you ask? Well for one thing, I charged my phone today. That's pretty awesomastic. I also ate a creampuff. Pretty sublime, I'd say. Oh, and a churro. Gimme props yo.

All-in-all, today was a pretty spontifurific smizithon. And if you don't know what that is, then maybe YOU need to read up on your Battlestar Galactica! Nerd.

In other news, went and saw Wicked again. 'Twas good.

Beam me up,


Thursday, July 05, 2007


Not that I've golfed... ever, but you try thinking of a new blog title each time.

The reason fore! this entry is my BIG blogiversary! Yes sirs, it's been four tragical years of talking about absolute nothingness and I'm cool with that.

To celebrate, the lovely K-mart introduced me to GREEN TEA SENSATION smoothies at Robeks. Yes, after ordering several smoothies that have all tasted the same (like JELL-O mix), I've been shown something absolutely brilliant at that store. It really is so damn good. I am officially excited that a Robeks is opening in the building where I work.

Yet, this little blurb about Green Tea smoothies doesn't seem adequate enough to be the blog of my blog's fourth birthday. But like the bad parent I'm bound to become in the future, my blog child can suck it for all I care. I'm cool with it.

Singing the song of purple summer,


Sunday, July 01, 2007

Misfortune Cookies: Flight Entertainment

Where was I? Ah, yes. The plane flight.

Unless you've been living under a rock for the past 40 years, you'd know that I don't sleep well on planes. Not even on redeye flights. And actually, in general, I preferred redeyes because it feels like no time is wasted on a plane. But really, when you think about it, they're not that cool. Once you land in the morning, you are DEAD TIRED. In most cases, you can't check into your hotel until the afternoon, so you smell, you feel lousy, your T-Zone bubbles up, and in general, all you want to do is sleep. I guess for those who can sleep just dandy 40,000 feet in the air, redeyes are great and refreshing and you really don't lose any time. But for us nobodies, all we want to do after we land is hit a nice bed and pass out. So in essence, I lose a day anyway.

But back to the plane flight. I know my last Misfortune Cookies entry was two blogs ago, but try to remember that since we rushed to the plane station after the concert and stuffed our faces full of wontons along the way, I had no time to brush my teeth, wash my face, get all comfy, all that good stuff. My only saving grace was the little line of dental floss I pocketed earlier.

So there we was waiting for the plane to come and I went, "Hey! I loves me some floss right about now." And I sent a signal from my brain down my right arm and to my hand, bought it down to my pocket, knocked and entered, dug around and pulled out nothing but minty lint. That sounds like a cool band name: The Minty Lints. Could this have been the last straw till a complete and utter breakdown? Nah, I hate to floss anyway. BUT now I was stuck with wonton junk chillin' between my enamelous region.

Whatever! thought I. And I signaled to the feet to carry me to the bathroom and rinsed my face off. Airport handsoap does wonders for the pores.

The airport was nice enough to give us some Wheat Thins and water, books and magazines, but I wasn't into that. I had my wonderful survival kit. I pulled out my iBook and searched for a free internet signal, but cheap ass Los Angeles doesn't offer anything for free. So I was SOL there.

After playing some Nintendo DS for a bit, I dozed off in the most uncomfortable sleeping position this side of the Milky Way. Body bent. Neck twisted. Arms dismembered. Toes curled. But sleep I did and woke up every 20 minutes or so. And at one time, a fart, which came 3 millimeters from escaping my cheeks, woke me as I clenched. Those suckers can't get away so easily.

The plane arrived! Man, the people getting off the flight didn't look too happy. I'm sure their loved ones picking them up were even less thrilled. Let us on! They let us on.

Father Routes, Mother Routes, and Timotei booked their tickets first and got a row all to themselves like a perfect loving family. As the bastard child, I sat across the aisle in the same row. A nice elderly couple (though the wife at first looked like a major be-otch) sat in the inside seats next to me. Directly behind my family was a row of young children who had to have been 7, 6, and 2 1/2 years old. They were all sound asleep, but it was going to be a 7 hour flight. Do the math.

It's nice to sit on the aisle because you are free to move about the plane as you please. However, I became more concerned with the elderly couple next to me. So, I was not able to sleep well. Every few minutes, I would wake up to make sure they didn't need to pass through. Of course, once I let my guard down, the old woman tries to squeeze passed my legs and wakes me up. I kept an eye open so that when she came back, I would let her back in easily, but MAN, that lady took forever in the bathroom. After she came back, I figured that the man would have to go next, but for hours nature didn't phone him. Three hours later, he finally asked me if he could use the facilities. I let him through with no fuss.

Ahhh, finally! With their bladders both emptied, I was at last free to relax.

Cue the 2 1/2 year old child. He awakened and was restless. The mother tried to get him to calm down, but he wouldn't have any of that. He fought his seatbelt and contorted into the bendiest positions to find comfort. For the last hour of the flight, he whined and bitched and squealed.

So by now I was fully awake; there was no use trying to sleep now with the flight ending. And the kid was still fussing. So here we were coming in for a landing and I thought to myself, "I'm going to enjoy this kid shit a flippin' brick when we touch down."

The plane hovered over the landing strip and... BOOM! The wheels touch the ground. The whole cabin shakes. And the wittle baby brat's eyes flew wide open. The kid shut his mouth and looked at me with eyes of complete terror. And I laughed! I loved it.

You're probably thinking by now, it's been three blogs into this trip report and we're only now getting to New York! What the hell happened in NEW FLIPPIN' YORK BE-OTCH?!

I'm glad you asked because next time, I will tell you. And actually, things honestly started to look up.

To Be Continued.