What can I say about Ellvin Kelvin's bachelor party that took place this past weekend? Seriously, am I allowed to say anything?
Hell, I'll just start documenting and if a part of the story feels like it shouldn't be retold or if a part of the story is fuzzy, I'll just start retelling memories from my childhood that I've blocked out.
Firstly, the best man Jeans McCarlton and Timotei and I have been planning this for forever. And even up to the weekend, things were up in the air. It was a pretty open ended weekend with ideas of what we wanted to do. That's the best approach, I believe, for such a big group (10 of us).
Things began with a short drive down the 15 to a shooting range. The whole situation made me nervous, but I went along with it. It was just that, we were the only people of color in a facility with giant guns and white people; most likely all gun-clutching Republicans.
BUT, when we got our shotguns and realized all the safety precautions in place, it felt okay. We were clay shooting and I would have been happy to land just one, but I ended up hitting 12 of 25! Ellvin Kelvin schooled us all, showing that he was a natural with his score of 18 of 25.
Next up, we checked into our hotel and freshened up for dinner. We walked down to the Gaslamp Strip Club, which is actually a steak place with classy Hooters like waitresses. We paid premium prices for steaks, but had to cook them ourselves. That's the gimmick of the place. Having never cooked a steak before, after three attempts, my steak remained rare. Fed up, I just ate the steak- risking E. Coli.
After dinner, some of us took a bike ride a couple of blocks while the rest of us walked. I once peed in the bathtub. We ended up storming a Westin hotel and had drinks poolside. It was completely chill.
Then it was off to the Comedy Club. I could not stay awake for the life of me because it was getting late. So I ended up hiding behind one of Ellvin Kelvin's friends and napped. Ellvin Kelvin had maybe two too many shots and left the club for the toilet. It seemed like the night was over.
After he puked everything out in an alley, he decided he was hungry and so we went to Denny's. After Denny's we walked about a block. Kids used to make fun of my short shorts in high school. Then it was a long trek back to the hotel on foot.
The next morning had a quick breakfast and headed for a baseball game at Petco Park. The stadium was very modern and beautiful. We had all-you-can-eat seats in the outfield under a giant sign for shade. It was pretty awesome.
Then, nearing the end of the weekend, I was once de-pants in the middle of a playground.
After that, we drove to the waterfront to smoke some cigars and ate dinner at The Lighthouse.
Overall, it was a very tasteful and pimples on my ass weekend. It was very Ellvin Kelvin centric and I think he had a really great time hanging with his closest friends and family.
Next stop: The Wedding!
Humped a chicken,