Sunday, August 17, 2003

Not Xactly What I Xpected

I'm back from X Games IX Los Angeles and I must say, I'm a bit disappointed in the experience.

Grab a soda because this is a long story with many gripes...

The day started when Angel Wing Jasmine picked me up at 3pm. The doors to the LA Coliseum opened at 3:00, but the Moto X athletes were only practicing till 7pm, so we took our time getting there.

When we got off the freeway, we stayed behind a big blue truck with Fox Racing and FMF stickers on the back. Obviously, this person was going to the X Games also, so we thought it best to just follow him. Low and behold, the truck pulled into the Coliseum parking area, but he soon realized he personally was going the wrong way. So, the guy busts a U-turn in a small road and Angel Wing Jasmine has to stay put so that he can back up and go the other way. While he was turning around, he stuck out his arm to thank us for letting him go, and I noticed that it was Zack Morris from Saved by the Bell! At first, we weren't so sure, but later on we found out that Mark Paul Gosseler was a guest announcer for the night.

Anyway, on, I read that Coliseum parking was $15. FIFTEEN F-ing dollars!!! Sure, the admission price is only $5, but they get you good with parking fees. Well, lucky for us, parking was only $10 (whatever), but the parking was a piece of crap. We were directed to park on the grassy lawn between the Coliseum and the Natural History Museum (Man I wish we went to the Natural History Museum...). The parking layout must have been designed by the most retarded person in the world. I swear, I bet Simon Cowell drew the layout because we had very little room between cars and some aisles had freakin' trees in them... so basically, if you wanted to leave, but there was a tree in your lane, you were stuck.

Anyway, we bought our tickets quickly and then got searched with metal detectors and went into the Coliseum. They had refreshment stations set up (one oddly named "Fresh Mexican Juices" if you catch my drift...), but Angel Wing Jasmine and I bypassed those and went straight up the stairs to find a seat.

The side we were on was jam packed, yet the other side had sparse crowds, so naturally we decided to head towards the other side of the stadium. No luck. We were blocked and prevented from going there. We thought it was for families of the athletes or something, but it wasn't! People started filling those seats later on in the day! I don't know what the hell that worker's problem was.

So, back up the stairs it was and we decided to head down towards the field to find just two seats for us to occupy. No luck. Stupid people were saving, apparently, EVERY FREAKIN SEAT. Retards. All of them. Frankly, I think they were all racist white bastards who didn't want to share their "zone" with an indian dirt bike rider and a chinese kung fu master. So we went upwards and found a spot in the middle of the row and got comfortable. After all, it was going to be a 5 hour sit. But where we were, you could see everything. And I think our seats were better than the ground level seats. So the joke was on those seat hogs... who ironically, were as big as hogs.

Well while we waited baking in the hot sun, Angel Wing Jasmine and I talked and talked and got thirsty as hell. But, being equal distance from the aisles and closed in by so many people, it wasn't exactly easy to go get a drink. Also, the people in front of us went to go get hotdogs and drinks and didn't come back for a good hour. So we decided to wait it out... the WHOLE FIVE HOURS! Vendors came around the aisles with snow cones, but we weren't close enough to buy one. Also, some people next to us ate some snow cones and their mouths and teeth got all F-ed up.

Now, about the annoying X Games crowd. Did I mention everyone was white? Big shocker huh? Well, everybody looked exactly the same. All the guys wore caps with the bill to the side, a Famous Stars and Straps shirt, and sunglasses. And all the Moto Hoes were blonde and wore sunglasses and a Famous Stars and Straps shirt. Goal darn annoying.

The people in front of us looked like a nice white family, but there's always a dirty secret. When one of the guys took off his shirt, we saw that he had a big ol' swastica tattooed on his stomach and another one on his back. What the bloody f- - - ??? So that made for a scary encounter.

A man behind us kept cheering every single little trick that the athletes performed, as if he was trying to play "Super Hotshot Dad" with his kids. He would comment on every trick with a "WHOOHOE!" or "YIKES," even if the trick wasn't that good. THROUGH OUT THE WHOLE SHOW!!! And then he had the nerve to say "Loser!" after Myles Richmond finished his finals run (because he didn't do the crowd favorite cheater backflip). Like this fat guy could do any better.

There was also a kid with ADHD somewhere behind us who kept spouting out such retarded phrases as "HURRY UP! TELL THEM TO HURRY UP!" and "I LIKE BEANS." Shuttttttt upppp your child!!! Jebus.

During the break between prelims and finals, cops were called in to break up some fighting that occurred in the ground level section. After a while, people started throwing water bottles and other garbage at the cops. Some woman yelled something like "God, stupid cops!" But Angel Wing Jasmine had a point... This lady complains about the cops, but what are the cops there for? To protect us all. If she's getting attacked or robbed, who is she going to call? THE FREAKIN COPS!!! So stop complaining you dumb ungrateful idiot!

I swear, people these days.

Well, the Freestyle itself was okay. They did all the normal tricks we've seen at Disney's California Adventure's X Games Xperience. Nate Adams did a heel click back flip that I had never seen. Also, Brian Deegan (whom I definitely wasn't rooting for) and Travis Pastrana did a new trick: The 360 backflip. It wasn't that impressive, but it was cool because it was new.

We didn't stay for the awarding of medals because we didn't care much. We were parched and dehydrated and had to piss, so we boned out. Apparently so did everyone else. We were quick to the truck, but everyone decided that to exit, they'll just come from every which way and cut everyone off. The whole thing was a mess and completely unorganized. LA SUCKS AT HOSTING ANYTHING!!!

Finally we got on the road and stopped at a McDonald's to replenish our bodies. Angel Wing Jasmine, on a weird thirst binge, got a small orange soda, a small lemonade, and a large coke. We also got ice cream. Then we went to Denny's, ate, and went home.

So that's my story. The X Games was okay, but I don't think I'd do it again. I'd rather watch the DCA X Games Xperience 30,000 times. At least that was free and you get to get autographs.

So now, I'm sunburned, rehydrated, but incredibly tired. Thus, I shall get to sleep.

Xtra Xhausted from the Xlong Xday,