Thursday, September 02, 2004

ANThology Part One: Ant Rant

As much as I hate that supposed "comic" Ant on Last Comic Standing, this blog isn't about him. It's about ants.

Yesterday night, at about around this time, I went upstairs to my bathroom to prepare for sleep... WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN I found ants running around my carpet, my toothbrush, my hair products, and my Proactiv (NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!).

So like a mad Max, I switched to "kill" mode. I have this rule about bugs. I'm cool with them pretty much anywhere, but once they cross into my room, I take no mercy. Spiders on my ceiling... dead spider walking. Ants on my sink... killed on the spot. Ladybug on my bed... shoved into a deflated Silly Bear bouncer and left to dehydrate into nothing more than a pretty shell.

So, first I attempted to drown the bunch. I splashed some water all around the sink and killed a few, but that didn't bring enough happiness. So I got my vacuum and sucked up the little buggers.

I was wondering why they would invade my bathroom. I mean, I never have food around that area. I have a theory. This year, we've prevented the ants from gathering food for winter. So I think they're desperate for anything. I mean, why else would they be crawling around my dirty underwear? Psychos.

So I sucked them all up and found the path of which they were coming from. For bugs, I use a clear plastic tube (ex-Beanie Baby protective container) to trap them and I give them an extended "time-out" period. If I start feeling guilty, then I release them outside. So I trapped a bunch of ants in the "Cylinder of Impending Doom," but less than 12 hours later, they were all dead. So I felt bad. But whatever. No mercy.

The ants learned their lesson. They all left. But the next time I see them a sniffin' my whities, I'm gonna chop off each and every limb of each and every one of those sick underwear fetish bastards.

Commiting pesticide,